上篇 离奇事件1

1 A Branch

A man was standing at a corner, with a hat in each hand, waiting for handouts.A passerby stopped and dropped a coin in one hat, then asked, “What’s the other hat for？”

“Business has been so tremendous lately, ”the man replied, “that I decided to open a branch.”

分店

一个人站在街角，两手各拿一顶帽子，等待施舍。一个路人经过，往一只帽子里放了一枚硬币，然后问：“另一只帽子用来做什么呢？”

“最近生意特别好，”那个人答道，“所以我决定开一家分店。”

2 Church Talk

A preacher decided to sell his horse. A prospective buyer was impressed with the animal, but the preacher said,“I must warn you—he only responds to‘church talk’. Go is‘Praise the Lord’, and stop is‘Hallelujah’. ”

“I’ve worked with horses all my life, ”said the buyer,“and I’ve never heard of anything like this. ”Mounting the horse, he said skeptically,“Praise the Lord. ”The horse began to trot. He repeated“Praise the Lord”and the horse broke into a gallop. Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled“Hallelujah”, and they came to a stop two foot from the edge.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the buyer said,“Praise the Lord!”

教堂语言

传教士决定卖掉他的马。一个想买马的人看中了这匹马，但传教士说：“我必须警告你——他只懂‘教堂语言’。走是‘感谢上帝’，停是‘哈利路亚’。”

“我一生都在同马打交道，”买马人说，“这样的事我还是第一次听到。”他跨上马，将信将疑地说：“感谢上帝。”马开始小跑。他重复说“感谢上帝”，马开始飞奔起来。突然，买马人看到前面是一个悬崖。他手忙脚乱，大声喊道：“哈利路亚。”他们在离悬崖只有两英尺的地方停了下来。

买马人擦了擦额上的汗，说道：“感谢上帝！”

3 Imitate Birds

A man tried to get a job in a stage show.“What can you do？”asked the producer.

“Imitate birds. ”the man said.

“Are you kidding？”answered the producer,“People like that are a dime a dozen. ”

“Well, I guess that’s that. ”said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

模仿鸟儿

一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。

“模仿鸟儿。”那人说。

“你是开玩笑吗？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”

“哦，那就算了。”那位演员说着，展开翅膀飞出了窗口。

4 Belly Button

Mrs. Bruce: Here I am again, doctor, for my face‐lifting operation.

Dr. Carlos, the plastic surgeon: “I’ve got bad news for you.You have had your face‐lifted once too many. I’m afraid, I can’t do it any more.”

Mrs. Bruce: Why not, doctor？ Why not？

Dr. Carlos: I’ll tell you why not. See the dimple on your cheek？ Originally that was your belly button.

肚脐

布鲁斯太太：医生，我又来了，再给我做个整形吧！

整形医生卡洛斯：“很遗憾，您的整形手术做得太多了，恐怕不能再做了。”

布鲁斯太太：怎么不能做了呢？为什么呢？

卡洛斯医生：原因是这样的，你看你脸上不是有酒窝吗，其实这是你的肚脐。

5 Things Have Been Okay

A young couple were becoming anxious about their five‐year‐old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him.

Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted,“Mom, the toast is burned. ”

“You talked! You talked!”Shouted his mother. ”I’m so happy! But why has it taken this long？”

“Well, up till now,”said the boy,“things have been okay. ”

一切还算正常

一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经五岁了，还没有开口说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。

后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。”

“你说话了！你说话了！”他母亲叫了起来，“我太高兴了！但为什么现在才开口说话呢？”

“哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”

6 Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

“This is an outrage.”she complained,“The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.”

“But, Madam, C stands for chaude—French for hot. You should know that if You live in Montreal.”

“Wait a minute.”roared the patron,“The other tap is also marked C.”

“Of course, ”said the manager,“It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city.”

热与冷

蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。

“这太可恶了，”她抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”

“可是，女士，C代表Chaude——法语里代表‘热’，如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”

“等等，”那位顾客咆哮道，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”

“当然，”经理说道，“它代表‘冷’。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”

7 Rain

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer,“No, madam, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon. ”

The manager came running over to the customer and said,“of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside.“Never say we are out of anything—say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming at once. Now what was it she wanted？”

“Rain.”said the clerk.

雨

商店经理听见店员对一名顾客说：“不，太太，这会儿还没有，看来也不会马上就有。”

经理跑过去对那个顾客说：“我们肯定马上就会有的。我们上周就订了货。”

随后，经理把店员拉到一边。“千万不要说我们没有——就说我们已经订了货，货马上就会到。她想要什么？”

“雨。”店员说。

8 Horse

A farmer went to hunt with a horse and a dog. They had walked a whole day and nothing was available. The farmer planned to continue. That horse said suddenly,“We have walked for one day. Do you want to wear me out？”

The farmer and the hunting dog were frightened and ran away. They ran up to a tree. The hunting dog struck its chest and said,“Oh, it almost scared me to death. The horse can speak. ”

At the end, the farmer died from fright.

马

一个农夫带着一匹马和一只狗去打猎，他们走了一整天，但什么也没打到。农夫决定继续走。突然，那匹马说：“我们都走了一天了，你想累死我吗？”

农夫和猎狗吓得撒腿就跑，他们跑到一棵树下，猎狗拍着胸脯说：“吓死我了，马会说话。”

结果，农夫被吓死了。

9 The Child May Stay

One afternoon while I was talking to a professor. my two‐year‐old daughter, Dora, wandered into a nearby classroom. There was a math class in progress and to my dismay, Dora sat down in front row.

When I went in to get her, the instructor stopped me. “Young lady,”he said,“I have been teaching calculus at this college for over ten years. In that time, not once has anyone come to my class just because he or she wanted to. The child may stay. ”

孩子可以留下

一天下午，我和一位教授谈话时，两岁的女儿多拉走进了旁边的一间教室。教室里正在上数学课。让我惊慌的是，多拉居然在第一排坐了下来。

当我进去叫她时，那个正在讲课的老师拦住我说：“小姐，我在这所大学教微积分十多年了。这期间，还从来没有一个学生主动来听我讲课呢。孩子可以留下。”

10 A Car Accident

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident.They arrived at the gate of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake.

“Give me＄1000 each, ”he said,“and I’ll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened.”

“Done!”said the American. Instantly he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

“Where are the others？”asked a medic.

“Last I knew, ”said the American,“the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay.”

车祸

一名美国人、一名苏格兰人和一名加拿大人在一次车祸中死了。他们到了天堂门口，神色慌张的圣彼得却在那里解释说这是一次失误。

“每个人给我一千美元，”他说，“然后我就把你们送回地球，就像什么也没发生。”

“行！”美国人说，他即刻就发现自己完好无损地站在了车祸现场附近。

“其他人在哪里？”急救医生问道。

“我知道的最后一件事就是，”美国人说，“苏格兰人正在讨价还价，加拿大人正在争论，说应该他的政府付这笔钱。”

11 Recruit Students

The meanest principal in the world was worried that his private school would close because of lack of students. One day he called in his assistant and demanded that he go out and recruit more students or be fired.

The next day two new students signed up. The day after that another five signed up. Within a week the enrollment was sky high.

Pulling his assistant aside one day, the principal asked,“How did you get so many new students to sign up？”

“It was easy,”replied the assistant,“I just started a rumor that you were quitting. ”

招生

世界上最吝啬的校长担心，他的私立学校将会因缺乏生源而关闭。一天，校长把助理叫来，要求他外出招生，不然就炒他鱿鱼。

第二天，有两个新生报名，第三天又有五名新生报名。不到一周，报名人数就一路飙升。

校长把助理拉到一边，问道：“你是怎么让这么多新生来报名的？”

“这很容易，”助理答道，“我只是散布谣言说你要辞职了。”

12 You Can Come Down Now

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship’s narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below.

The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn’t room for anyone to assist her, So she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone’s relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted,“It’s okay, father, you can come down now.”

您可以下来了

我的一位朋友在游船上工作。有一次船停泊在墨西哥的一个港口，此时正是潮水很高的时候，游客们从船上下到码头必须用很窄的跳板作为通道。

当看到一位七十多岁的老妇人出现在跳板顶端时，船上的工作人员都吓得呆立着，大气不敢出。跳板太窄，没有办法让人去搀扶她，所以她自己慢慢地侧着身子往下走，最后终于安全地到了码头上，大家也都放心了。她下来后，转过身，看着跳板的顶端喊道：“没事，爸爸，您现在可以下来了。”

13 The Parrot and the Bidder

One day, a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the biding—the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer,“I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid so much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry. ”said the auctioneer,“He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you？ ”

鹦鹉和竞标者

一天，一个男人去参加一场拍卖会。他在那儿投标买一只鹦鹉。他很想要这只鸟，所以他就被套牢在这场竞标角逐中。他不停地出价，总是被别人出更高的价钱压倒，因此，他喊价越来越高。

最终，他以大幅度超出预算的价钱赢得了这只鸟——这只鹦鹉终于是他的了！

付钱的时候，他对拍卖人说：“我真的希望这只鹦鹉能讲话。如果我为它花了这么多钱，结果发现他不能讲话，我会很后悔的！”

“不用担心，”拍卖人说，“他能讲话。不然你以为是谁一直在和你喊价呢？”

14 The World’s Greatest Swordsman

At an exhibition of the world’s best swordsman, the third‐place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second‐ place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world’s greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arc—but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

“Why are you so happy？ ”someone yelled,“You missed! ”

“Ah,”replied the swordsman,“you weren’t watching very carefully, the fly lives, yes—but he will never be a father. ”

世界上最伟大的击剑手

在一场世界最佳击剑手表演赛中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇被放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。

他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来——然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行！观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手竟然错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。

“你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中！”

“啊，”剑手答道，“你没有看仔细。苍蝇还活着，是的——但他永远也做不成爸爸了。”

15 Successfully or Unsuccessfully

A man heard that a certain government department wanted a clerk, so he wrote and asked for the position. But while he was waiting for an answer, a friend of his introduced him to the head of the department, who at once gave him the job.

Three months later, while the man was working in the department, he got a letter which had been sent on to him from his old address. This letter said:

“Dear Sir,

We are sorry to have to tell you that we cannot offer you work in this department because we do not think that you would be able to do the job successfully...”

The man laughed, but when he looked at the letter more carefully, he saw that he had signed it himself!

胜任还是不胜任

有个人听说某个政府部门想要招聘一个文书，于是他就写信申请这份差事。可是，就在他等候回复的时候，他的一个朋友把他介绍给了这个部门的领导，这个领导很快就把这份差事给了他。

三个月以后，这个人正在这个部门里工作，这时，他收到一封从他原来的地址转寄给他的信。信里说：

“亲爱的先生：

我们抱歉地通知您，我们不能提供您这份工作，因为我们认为您不能胜任这份工作……”

这个人大笑起来，但当他又仔细看了看这封信后，他发现，签发这封信的人正是他自己！

16 The Face‐lift

Julia felt very self—conscious about her face.

“I’m ugly. ”she said to herself as she looked into a mirror.“My nose is crooked, my chin is weak, my ears stick out, and I have bags under my eyes.”

In desperation she went to a plastic surgeon and had a face‐lift.Her chin was strengthened, her nose remodeled, her ears adjusted, and the bags under her eyes removed.

After months of suffering, the ordeal was finally over. She was now able to entertain friends, but she still sulked about herself.

One day, her friend Joan looked at her in amazement,“I don’t know why you look so sad.You now have the face of a movie star.”

“I know,”sobbed Julia,“but now my new face doesn’t go along with my old body.”

整容

朱莉娅非常介意自己的容貌。

“我真丑，”她照着镜子自言自语说，“我的鼻子歪歪的，下巴瘪瘪的，耳朵长得那么突出，还有眼袋。”

绝望之中，她去做了一个面部整形手术。她的下巴变得更加饱满，鼻子被重新塑造，耳朵进行了调整，眼袋也消除了。

经过数月的折磨，痛苦期终于结束了。她现在可以见朋友了，可是她仍然很郁闷。

有一天，她的朋友很惊奇地看着她说：“我不知道你为什么还这么伤心，你现在有一张明星般的脸庞。”

“我知道，”朱莉娅抽泣地说，“但是我的新面庞和我衰老的身躯不匹配。”

17 Ancient Society

German scientists dug 100 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25, 000 years ago had a nation wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 200 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient British 35, 000 years ago already had a nation wide fiber net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 100,200 and 500 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55, 000 years ago had cellular telephones.

古老的社会

德国科学家挖地100米，发现了几块铜片。对这些铜片进行了一段很长时间的研究后，德国人宣布古老的德国早在两万五千年前就已经有了遍布全国的电话网。

显然，英国政府可不会就此轻易认输。他们命令自己的科学家挖得更深，在地下两百米处，他们发现了玻璃碎片，于是很快他们便宣称古老的英国早在三万五千年前就已经有了全国范围的光纤网。

以色列的科学家被激怒了。他们向下挖啊挖，挖了一百米、两百米、五百米，却什么也没发现……

最后，他们得出结论：古希伯来人早在五万五千年前就已经有了移动电话。

18 He Was Insured

Three international businessmen were on a conference cruise when the ship began to sink.“Go and tell those fellows to put on life jackets and jump overboard. ”the captain directed his first mate.

A few minutes later the first mate returned.“Those guys won’t jump. ”he reported.“Take over, ”the captain ordered,“and I’ll see what I can do.”

Returning moments later, he announced, “They’ve gone.”

“How’d you do it？”asked the first mate.

“I used psychology. I told the Englishman it was the sporting thing to do, and he jumped. I told the Frenchman it was chic; the German that it was a command; the Italian that it was forbidden.”

“And how did you get the American to jump？”

“No problem, ”said the captain,“I told him he was insured!”

他已被投保

三位国际商人正在船上开会，船突然开始下沉。

船长命令大副说：“去叫那几个人穿上救生衣，往水里跳。”

几分钟后，大副回来报告说：“他们不肯跳。”

“替我照看一下，”船长大声吩咐道，“我去看看怎么办。”

过了一会儿，他回来说：“他们都已经跳下去了。”

“你是怎么做的？”大副问。

“我用的是心理学。我对英国人说这是一项体育训练，他就跳了。我对法国人说这是非常时髦的事，对德国人说这是命令，对意大利人说禁止这样做。”

“那你是怎么让美国人跳的呢？”

“很简单，”船长说，“我对他说，他已被投保了！”

19 Emma’s Heroic Act

Jim and Emma were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Emma promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Emma’s heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.“Emma, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, he’s dead.”

Emma replied,“He didn’t hang himself, I hung him up to dry.”

艾玛的英勇行为

吉姆和艾玛同在一家精神病院治疗。有一天，他们经过医院的游泳池时，吉姆突然跳进池子并沉到了池底。艾玛迅速跳下去救人。艾玛游到池底把吉姆拉上岸来。

主任得知艾玛英勇的救人行为后立即查阅了艾玛的档案，把她叫到办公室。“艾玛，我有一个好消息，也有一个坏消息。好消息是你可以出院了，理由是你能够跳进水池救一个病人，我想你的精神已恢复正常。坏消息是吉姆——你救的那个病人——在浴室用浴衣腰带上吊自杀了。”

艾玛说：“他不是上吊自杀，是我把他吊起来晾干的。”

20 Polite Baby

After a prolonged courtship and engagement, Peter and Mary had taken the step of matrimony. Discussing on the various traits their first baby should possess, they agreed on politeness, saying to each other:“In order to be successful in life, our child, first of all, must be courteous to others. So let’s have the most polite baby in the world.”

After anxiously waiting eight months for the blessed event, Mary was checked into the Maternity Ward in the hospital ready for a visit of the baby. They waited and waited but no baby ever came.

Fifty years later, the doctor remarked meditatively,“I think we’d better perform a caesarean.”When they opened her up, they found two tiny white bearded old men, bowing to their waist and saying to each other politely,“After you, brother, after you.”

有礼貌的孩子

经过漫长的恋爱和订婚，彼得和玛丽终于步入了婚姻的殿堂。在讨论第一个孩子的品德时，他们都同意孩子要有礼貌，小两口说：“为了人生取得成功，我们的孩子要谦虚有礼貌。我们将拥有世界上最有礼貌的孩子。”

夫妻俩焦急地等待着喜事来临。八个月后，玛丽经检查后住进了医院产科病房，等待孩子的降生。他们等呀等呀，可是孩子就是不出来。

五十年过去了，医生沉吟道：“我看还是剖腹产吧。”剖腹产后，他们发现两个小小的白胡子老头有礼貌地对对方说：‘你先，兄弟，你先吧。’”

21 Traveling

A Russian, a Cuban, an American businessman and an American lawyer were on a train traveling across Europe.