上篇 神级回复

1 Millionaire

CEO: My wife made a millionaire out of me.

Assistant: What were you before？

CEO: A multimillionaire.

百万富翁

首席执行官：我的妻子使我成了一个百万富翁。

助手：你以前是什么？

首席执行官：千万富翁。

2 Bulb

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb？

A: Three. One curses the darkness, one lights a candle, and one changes the bulb.

灯泡

问：“需要几个诗人才能换好一个灯泡？”

答：“三个。一个诅咒黑暗，一个点亮蜡烛，一个更换灯泡。”

3 Half Price

Owen: My daughter’s music lessons are a fortune to me.

John: How is that？

Owen: They enabled me to buy the neighbor’s houses at half price.

半价

欧文：我女儿的音乐课对我来说就是一笔财富呀。

约翰：这是为什么呢？

欧文：因为音乐课让我们只用半价就买下了邻居的房子。

4 Car Repairing

A guy brought his ancient car to the service station for the seventh time in a month.

“We’ve done everything we could.”the mechanic told him,“Now all we can do is offer a brief memorial service for＄60.”

修车

一个人把他的古董车送到了修车店，这个月已是第七次了。

“我们已经竭尽所能了，”修车工对他说，“现在我们只能进行一场简短的哀悼仪式，收费六十美元。”

5 Former Wife

In Turkey, a man divorced his wife after a six‐year court battle.

He then turned to a computer service to find the ideal mate, only to discover that from 2, 000 candidates the machine selected his former wife.

前妻

在土耳其，一位男士经过长达六年的诉讼，才和妻子离婚。

之后，他到一家电脑婚介所去寻找理想伴侣，结果发现机器从两千名候选人中选出的竟然是他的前妻。

6 Who Are Crooks

A newspaper once carried an editorial which stated bluntly that half the city council were crooks.

Under penalty of arrest, the editor issued following retraction: HALF THE CITY COUNCIL AREN’T CROOKS.

谁是骗子

一次，一份报纸刊登了一篇社论，直接指出市议会里有一半人是骗子。

在被罚拘留后，编辑发表了以下声明：市议会里有一半人不是骗子。

7 That Was an Echo

“Good grief, you’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen!”the dentist exclaimed as he examined a new patient.

“The biggest cavity I’ve ever seen!”

The patient snapped, “You don’t have to repeat it.”

“I didn’t. ”replied the dentist,“That was an echo.”

那是回声

“天啊，你的牙洞是我见过的最大的牙洞！”牙医一边检查新来的病人，一边惊叫道。“我见过的最大的牙洞！”

病人脱口说道：“你不必说两遍。”

“我没有呀，”牙医回答说，“那是回声。”

8 Honest

“If you’re going to work here, young man, ”said the boss,“one thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in？”

“Oh, yes, sir.”

“And another thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.”

诚实

“年轻人，如果你要在这里干，”老板说，“就必须知道我们公司非常注重整洁。你进来时，在垫子上擦脚了吗？”

“噢，擦了，先生。”

“而且我们非常注重另一件事，就是诚实。根本没有垫子。”

9 My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow

A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

“Cloth or leather？”asked the salesperson.

“Makes no difference.”replied customer.

“What color？”asked the clerk.

“Any.”he responded.

“Size？”

“Give me whatever you prefer.”the gentleman said, slightly exasperated,“My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.”

反正我太太明天会来换的

一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。

“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。

“随便。”这位顾客回答。

“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。

“什么颜色都成。”他回答。

“尺码呢？”

“您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天会来换的。”

10 The Same Thing

My aunt deals with customer complaints at a retail store.

She and my uncle had had an argument, and to make up he waited in her customer service line. When it was his turn, he whispered in her ear that he’d take her out to dinner that night. Her face lit up, and she gave him a big kiss.

The next man in line stepped up and said,“I’m complaining about the same thing he was.”

同样的事

我的婶婶在一家零售店负责处理顾客投诉。

有一次，叔叔和她吵了一架。为了跟她和解，他就排在顾客投诉的队伍里。轮到他时，他凑到她耳边悄悄说晚上带她出去吃饭。她笑逐颜开，给了他一个热吻。

下一个顾客走上前去说：“我想跟他投诉同样的事。”

11 You Have My Shopping Cart

At the supermarket I noticed an elderly man who seemed to be following me wherever I went. As I moved to each aisle, there he was, smiling at me. Now I was wondering if he was interested in me.

At the dairy counter I was checking out the eggs when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I saw that it was the same man.

“Lady, ”he finally said, “You have my shopping cart.”

你用了我的购物车

在超市，我注意到一位上了年纪的男子好像总在跟着我。我每到一个售货通道，他就跟我到一个售货通道，面带微笑看着我。我开始想他是不是喜欢上了我。

在奶制品柜台，我正为鸡蛋结账时，有人在我肩上轻轻拍了一下。我转过身发现还是那个男子。

“女士，”他最后说道，“你用的是我的购物车。”

12 It’s Short of ＄700

Burglars broke into a bank and found a lone teller trying to balance his books.After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the teller making noises through his gag.Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say.

“Take my daily balance sheet, too. ”he gasped,“It’s short of ＄700.”

少了七百美元

盗贼闯进一家银行，发现就一名出纳孤零零正在那里算账。强迫出纳打开保险库后，他们把他绑起来，塞上他的嘴，飞快地将钱扔进行李袋。他们正准备离开，突然听到出纳透过嘴里塞的东西发出了声音。他们感到好奇，就松开了他嘴里的东西，问他想要说什么。

“把我每日的资产负债表也拿走吧，”他气喘吁吁地说，“账上少了七百美元。”

13 They Are Busy

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

“May I speak to your parents？”

“They’re busy. ”

“Oh. Is anybody else there？”

“The police. ”

“Can I speak to them？”

“They’re busy. ”

“Oh. Is anybody else there？”

“The firemen.”

“Can I speak to them？”

“They’re busy. ”

“So let me get this straight—your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy？ What are they doing？”

“Looking for me. ”

他们很忙

电话铃响了，小男孩接了电话。

“请你父母听电话好吗？”

“他们很忙。”

“噢。那家里还有其他人吗？”

“还有警察。”

“我可以和他们说话吗？”

“他们很忙。”

“那还有其他人吗？”

“还有消防员。”

“我可以和他们说话吗？”

“他们也很忙。”

“请直接告诉我——你的父母、警察和消防员都在你家，但他们都很忙，他们到底在干什么？”

“在找我。”

14 Too Late

A middle‐aged bachelor was in a restaurant at breakfast when he noticed this inscription on the egg,“To whom it may concern: Should this meet the eye of some young man who desire to marry a farmer’s daughter, eighteen years of age, kindly communicate with—”

After reading this, he made haste to write to the girl, offering marriage, and in a few days received a note,“Your letter came too late. I am married now and have four children. ”

太晚了

一个中年单身汉在一家餐馆吃早饭，他突然看到鸡蛋上写的一段话：“致有意者：如果本启事能被哪个年轻人看到并愿意娶一个农民的十八岁的女儿，请联系——”

看到这个，他马上给女孩写信，要和她结婚。几天后，他收到回信：“你的信来得太晚了。我已经结婚，而且有了四个孩子。”

15 Doctor’s Advice

A loquacious wife bounced into the doctor’s office and said, “You must do something for my husband.”

Doctor said,“What’s the matter with him？”

Woman said,“He is all confused, nervous and rundown. He barks at me at the drop of a hat.”

Doctor said,“Your husband must have peace, quiet and plenty of rest. Here are some sleeping pills.”

Woman said,“My husband refuses to take pills of any kind.”

Doctor said,“You don’t understand, Lady. These are for you.”

医生的建议

一个爱唠叨的女人闯进医生的办公室对医生说：“你必须救救我丈夫。”

医生说：“你的丈夫怎么了？”

女人说：“他总是昏昏沉沉，神情紧张，无精打采，有事没事就朝我吼叫。”

医生说：“你的丈夫必须心平气和，充分休息。给你这些安眠药。”

女人说：“我的丈夫什么药都不吃。”

医生说：“女士，你理解错了。这是给你的。”

16 Nonconformist

A man entered a barbershop and said，“I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!”

“Are you sure？”

“Yes.”said the man.

The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.

Two hours passed and the man reentered the shop.“Put it back the way it was.”he said.

“What’s the matter？”said the barber,“Are you tired of being a nonconformist？”

“No,”he replied,“I’m tired of people whispering in my nose.”

另类分子

一个男子走理一家理发店说：“我讨厌和其他人看起来一样！我想要另类一些！把我的头发以两侧的耳朵为准线梳成分头吧！”

“你确定吗？”

“是的！”那人回答说。

理发师照他的吩咐做了，这名男子满意地离开了理发店。

两个小时后，男子又回来了。“把我的头发恢复原样。”他说。

“怎么啦？”理发师说，“你已经厌倦当另类分子了吗？”

“不是的，”他回答说，“我受不了别人总是对着我的鼻子说悄悄话！”

17 But the Teacher Cried

The six‐year‐old Marcy was terribly spoilt. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum.

Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother’s loving arms.

When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.

“Was school all right？”she asked.“Did you get along all right？ Did you cry？”

“Cry？”Marcy asked.“No, I didn’t cry, but the teacher did!”

可是老师哭了

六岁的马西被宠坏了。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的奶奶仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的奶奶。当他想得到什么的时候，不是哭就是闹。

马西第一天上学的日子到了，这也是他第一次离开奶奶的怀抱。

当他从学校回来的时候，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“在学样里还好吧？你过得好吗？哭了没有？”

“哭？”马西说，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”

18 Special Enclosure

The zoo built a special eight‐foot‐high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 20 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 50 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped.

A giraffe asked the kangaroo,“How high do you think they’ll build the fence？”

“I don’t know. ”said the kangaroo,“Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked. ”

特殊围栏

动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个8英尺高的特殊围栏。但第二天早上，人们发现袋鼠在围栏外面蹦跳着。于是，围栏高度增加到了20英尺，但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园园长大为恼火，又叫人把围栏高度加到了50英尺，但袋鼠还是逃了出来。

长颈鹿问袋鼠：“你认为他们会把围栏建到多高呢？”

“我不知道，”袋鼠说，“如果他们还不把大门锁上，可能1000英尺吧。”

19 Lace

Mrs. Thurston stormed into the A1 Laundry and demanded to see the owner.

Mr. Howard appeared from behind a curtain.“I’m the owner. ”he said,“Do you have a complaint？”

“A complaint？”echoed the customer,“You have the nerve to call yourself an A1 cleaner？”She threw something across the counter,“Just take a look at a sample of your work!”

Howard picked up the object and studied it.“Lady, there’s not a thing wrong with this lace. ”he pronounced.

“Lace？”Mrs. Thurston screamed,“When I brought it in to be cleaned it was a sheet!”

蕾丝

瑟斯顿太太怒气冲冲地走进一流洗衣店，强烈要求见店主。

霍华德先生从帘子后面走了出来。“我就是店主，”他说，“你有什么投诉？”

“投诉？”顾客反问道，“你们竟有胆称自己是一流洗衣店？”她把一个东西扔在柜台上，“请瞧瞧你们干的活吧！”

霍华德把东西拿起来，仔细端详。“太太，这条蕾丝没有什么问题。”他说。

“蕾丝？”瑟斯顿太太尖声叫道，“我拿到这里洗时可是一条床单！”

20 So Optimistic

William may well be called the champion optimist. He was sitting on the root of his house during a flood, watching the water flow fast, when the neighbor who owned a boat rowed across to him.

“Hi, William！”said the man.

“Hi, David!”replied William brightly.

“All your fowls washed away this morning？”

“Yes, but the ducks can swim. ”

“Orange trees gone, too？”

“Yes, but everybody said the crop would be a failure anyhow. ”

“I see the river’s reached above your windows, William. ”

“That’s all right, David. ”was the reply,“The windows needed washing. ”

如此乐观

威廉可称得上是世界上最乐观的人。在一次洪水中，他坐在自己家的屋顶上，看着洪水飞快地流过。这时，他的邻居坐在自己家的小船里向他划了过来。

“你好，威廉！”邻居说。

“你好，大卫！”威廉兴高采烈地说。

“今天早上你的家禽都被冲跑了吧？”

“是，但那些鸭子会游泳。”

“橘子树也被冲走了吧？”

“是，但人人都说，这些橘子树不会有收成的。”

“我看到河水已经淹过了你的窗户，威廉。”

“没事儿，大卫，”威廉说，“那些窗户需要冲洗了。”

21 Get Off

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The off icers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said,“Get off the corner, people.”

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner—NOW!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,“Well, how did I do？”

“Pretty good, ”chuckled the vet,“this is a bus stop, merely.”

马上离开

一个初出茅庐的警官和一名富有经验的搭档坐在警车里第一次出去巡逻，一个电话打过来让他们去驱散一些闲逛的人。

两个警官将警车开到了那条街上，他们看到有一小群人正站在街角上。

新手摇下车窗说：“拐角的人赶快散开。”

人们看了他几眼，但没人动。他又一次大声喊道：“站在拐角的人都散开——马上！”

那群人受到恐吓，开始离开，同时向他这边投来不解的目光。

年轻警察为自己的第一次执行任务感到自豪，转头问他的搭档：“哎，我干得怎么样？”

“很不错，”老警察轻声笑道，“但这里是个公共汽车站。”

22 A Pair of Slacks

A man handed a pair of slacks to the department‐storeclerk.“I’d like these altered, please. ”he said.The clerk asked for the sales receipt, but after searching his pockets, the man replied he had lost it.The clerk informed him that it was store policy not to do free alterations without a receipt.

“Okay, then, ”the man said,“I’d like to return the slacks.”The clerk processed the return and gave him cash equaling the cost of the slacks.

The man pushed the money back across the counter.“Now I want to buy the slacks. ”he said.The clerk rang up the sale, bagged the slacks and handed them to him with a receipt.

Triumphantly, he put the slacks and the receipt on the counter,

“I’d like to have these altered, please.”

裤子

一个人将一条宽松裤递给百货商店职员。“我想换一条。”他说。店员向他要售货收据，那人翻遍了口袋，最后只得说收据丢了。店员告诉他说，商店规定没有收据不准随意更换。

“那好吧，”那人说，“我要把这条裤子退掉。”店员按程序办理了退货手续并把等价现金给了他。

那人把钱推过柜台上。“现在我还要这条裤子，”他说。店员用收银机收下了钱，将裤子装进包里，并把它连同收据递给了他。

那人洋洋自得地把裤子和收据放在柜台上，说：“我想换一条。”

23 A Large Hole

There was a farmer who lived near a road.

It was not a busy road, but from time to time, cars passed the farm.

Near the farm gate, there was a large hole in the road. This hole was always full of water, and the drivers of the cars could not see how deep the hole was. They thought it was probably shallow. Then when they drove into the hole, they could not drive out because it was so deep.

The farmer did not spend much time working on his farm. He spent most of it watching the hole. When a car drove into it, he pulled the car out with his tractor and charged the driver a lot of money for doing this.

One day, the driver of a car said to him,“You must make a lot of money pulling cars out of this hole night and day. ”

“Oh，no，”the farmer said,“I don’t pull cars out of the hole at night but fill the hole with water.”

大水坑

有个农夫住在路边上。

尽管这不是交通拥堵路段，但有时也有汽车从农场路过。

农场大门旁边的路上有个大坑，坑里常常满是水，汽车司机看不出坑有多深，他们以为可能很浅。而司机们一旦把车开进坑里，就别想再开出来，因为坑太深了。

农夫也不怎么在农场里干活，大部分时间都在看着这个坑。当汽车开进坑里时，他就用拖拉机把它拉上来，然后向司机收很多钱。

一天，一位汽车司机对他说：“你夜以继日把汽车往外拉，肯定赚了很多钱。”

“噢，不，”农夫说，“我夜里不拉车，而是往这坑里灌水。”

24 Two plus Two

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with“How much is two plus two?”

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announced, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced,“Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked,“How much do you want it to be?”

二加二

一名工程师、一名物理学家和一名律师为争取一家大公司的首席执行官这一职位参加了面试。

工程师最先进去面试，他被问了一长串问题，最后一个问题是：“二加二等于多少？”

这位工程师请求离开一会儿，他做了一系列的测量和计算之后，回到董事会议室宣布答案：“等于四。”

接下来是物理学家，他也被问了同样的问题。在回答最后一题之前，他也请求离开，前往图书馆，做了一系列的调查研究。同美国标准局有关人士进行磋商，做了许多估算。最后他同样宣布：“等于四。”

律师最后一位参加，他也被问了同样的问题。在面试结束的时候，回答最后一题之前，他检查了整个房间的角落，看看门外是否有人，检查电话是否有窃听器，然后问：“你希望答案是多少？”

25 A Smuggler

The suspicious‐looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

“What’s in here?”he asked.

“Dirt.”the driver replied.

“Take them out. ”the guard instructed,“I want to check them. ”

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing hut dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

“What’s in the bags this time?”he asked.

“Dirt, more dirt. ”said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for eight months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious‐looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said,“Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you’ll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time. ”

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender’s ear and whispered,“Cars. ”

走私犯

一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。

“里面装的是什么？”他问道。

“土。”司机回答。

“把袋子拿出来，”哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”

那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他物。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。

一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。

“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。

“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。

哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。

同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了八个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客：你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”

那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”

26 I Haven’t Got a Penny

It was very difficult to find jobs in the northwest of England, and when Bruce lost his job, he found it impossible to get a new one. He had soon spent all his money, so he decided to go down to the south of the country, where he had heard that things were better, and it was easier to find work there. The best way to go was by train, so he went to the railway station and got into a train which was going to London. He was the only passenger in his compartment when another man burst in, carrying a gun, and said to him,“Your money, or your life.”

“I haven’t got a penny. ”Bruce answered in fright.

“Then why are you trembling so much？”the man with the gun asked angrily.

“Because I thought you were the ticket‐collector and I haven’t even got a ticket. ”Answered Bruce.

身无分文

布鲁斯失业后，他发现在英格兰西北部找到新工作似乎不太可能，在这里找工作实在是太难了。没多久布鲁斯就花光了身上的积蓄，于是决定到南方去，他听说那儿的就业情况好些，可能更容易找到工作。去南方的最佳途径是乘火车，布鲁斯便来到火车站，搭上一列开往伦敦的火车。

布鲁斯那节车厢里只有他一个人。这时突然有一个人持枪闯入，对他说：“要钱还是要命？”

“我身无分文。”布鲁斯惊慌失措地说。

“那你为什么抖得这么厉害？”持枪的人生气地问。

“我还以为你是检票员呢，我没买车票。”布鲁斯答道。

27 They Are Still Damp!

Mr. Leonard was twenty‐two years old and not very rich. He was not married and he lived in two rooms in a small house in a city.

Every summer, Mr. Leonard went down to the sea for a holiday. He stayed in small, cheap hotels, but he always wanted to have clean, tidy room. He hated dirty places.

One summer a friend of his said,“Go to the Tower Hotel in Whitesea. I went there last year, and it was very nice and clean.”

So Mr. Leonard went to the Tower Hotel in Whitesea. But there was a different manager that year.

The new manager took Mr. Leonard to his room. The room looked quite nice and clean, but Mr. Leonard said to the manager,“Are the sheets on the bed clean？”

“Yes, of course they are！”he answered angrily,“We washed them this morning. Feel them. They are still damp.”

床单还潮着哩!

伦纳德先生二十二岁，并不怎么有钱。他还没结婚，住在城里一栋小房子的两个房间里。

每年夏天，伦纳德先生都会去海边度假。他总住在便宜的小旅馆里，可是他总是希望有个干净整洁的房间。他讨厌住在不干净的地方。

一年夏天，他的一个朋友说：“去白海的高塔旅馆吧。去年我到过那里，那儿又舒适又整洁。”

于是，伦纳德先生就去了白海的高塔旅馆。不过，那年换了个经理。

那位新经理领着伦纳德先生去了房间。房间看起来相当舒适整洁，不过，伦纳德先生问经理道：“床上的床单是干净的吧？”

“是啊，当然是干净的！”经理气愤地回答，“我们今天早上才洗的。摸摸看，还潮着哩。”

28 Drunk and Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half‐empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,“Father, what causes arthritis？”“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheat, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man. ”the priest replied.“Imagine that. ”the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized,“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis？ ”

“I don’t have arthritis, Father, ”the drunk said,“but I just read in the paper that the Pope does. ”

醉鬼与关节炎

一天，一个像是从酒桶里钻出来的醉鬼上了一辆公交车。他坐在一名牧师旁边。酒鬼的衣服脏兮兮的，他的脸上全是鲜红的唇印，口袋里还装着半瓶酒。

他打开报纸开始读起来。几分钟后，他问牧师：“神父，什么会引起关节炎呢？”“关节炎是由沉溺于谎言、邪恶的妇人、过量的酒精的懒散生活和不尊重他人所造成的。”牧师回答道。“让我想一下。”醉鬼喃喃自语，又继续读他的报纸。那名牧师想了想他刚才所说的话，转过头对男人道歉：“对不起，我本来并不打算说得这么无情。你患关节炎多久了？”

“我没有关节炎，神父，”醉鬼说，“是我刚刚在报纸上看到教皇有。”

29 Encore

Jimmy, a popular comedian, sings with a booming voice. He is a retired singer, too. I had him to perform at the Chinese New Year’s Party in New York City a few times. On one occasion, he told ﹩50‐a‐plate guests this story:

“Years ago, I was singing at La Scala, the world famous opera house in Milan, Italy. After I finished singing La donna e mobile, the famous aria from Rigoletto, the audience hollered, Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore!’They demanded that I sing one more time. I complied of course, but they kept on yelling,‘Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore！’and wanted me to sing the aria again and again. After the seighteenth time, I finally said,‘Look, folks! I appreciate your kindness, but the show must go on. I can’t stand here and sing forever. ’In the balcony, a little old lady stuck her head out and shouted,‘You’re going to keep on singing until you get it right, you bum. ’”

再来一遍

吉米是位颇受欢迎的喜剧演员，他唱歌声音非常洪亮。同事吉米是一名退休的歌唱演员。他曾被我请到纽约的中国新年派对上演出过几次。有一次，他给演出门票为五十美元的客人们讲了下面这个故事：

“多年前，我在意大利米兰的一家著名歌剧院拉斯卡拉演唱。当我唱完里格莱托的著名独唱曲目‘女人善变’后，观众热烈喊道：‘好！好！再来一遍！再来一遍！’他们要求我再返一次场，我当然答应了，但他们还是喊：‘好！好！再来一遍！再来一遍！’他们想让我一遍遍地唱这首歌。我唱了十八遍之后，说：‘谢谢各位的捧场，但演出还要进行，我不能站在这里一直唱下去。’这时，包厢里一个身材矮小的老妇人探出头来，喊道：‘你要继续唱，直到唱对为止。你这个懒鬼。’”

30 Which One to Marry

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $3000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man,“I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much. ”

The second one goes out and buys new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She say,“I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”The third one takes the $3000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $3000 to the man andreinvests the rest. She say,“I am investing the rest of the money for our future bescause I love you so much.”

The man think long and hand about how each of the women spent the money and decides to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

娶哪一位

有一位男子有三位女朋友，但他不知道要娶哪一位才好。他决定给每位3000美元，看她们如何花这笔钱。第一位将所有的钱都花在买衣服、发型设计、修指甲上，从头到脚焕然一新。她告诉她的爱人说：“我是如此爱你，为了你我将所有的钱花在妆扮自己上，让自己更美丽。”

第二位为这男子买了高尔夫球证、CD音响、电视，及高级音响等。她说：“我是如此爱你，我将所有的钱都用来买礼物给你。”第三位将这3000美元投资进股票市场，并得到双倍的利润，她将3000美元还给爱人，又将剩下的5000美元投资进股市。她说：“我是多么爱你，为了你，我将我们余下的钱为将来投资准备。”

经过长久的思考，这位男子考虑三位女朋友对5000美元的用法，他终于作了决定，他决定娶胸脯最大的女子。

31 Ten Dollars

Kathy and Polly were good friends but they liked playing tricks on each other.

One day Kathy met Polly in the street. She said,“Hi, Polly. It’s good to see you. ”

“How can you see me when I’m not here？ ”Polly asked.

“What do you mean, you’re not here？ ”Kathy asked,“Of course you’re here. ”

“No, I’m not. ”Polly said,“And I’ll bet you ten dollars that I can prove I’m not here. ”

“Alright. ”said Kathy,“Ten dollars. Now prove you’re not here. ”

“Easy. ”Polly said,“Am I in Hong Kong？ ”

“No. ”said Kathy.

“Am I in Paris？ ”

“No.”said Kathy.

“If I’m not in Hong Kong and I’m not in Paris,”Polly said,“then I must be somewhere else. Right？ ”

“Right, ”said Kathy,“you must be somewhere else. ”

“Exactly. ”said Polly,“And if I’m somewhere else I can’t be here, can I？ Ten dollars, please. ”

“That’s very clever, Polly, ”Kathy said,“but I can’give you ten dollars. ”

“Why not？”asked Polly,“We had a bet.”

“Certainly we had a bet, ”Kathy said,“but how can I give. you ten dollars if you’re not here？ ”And with a laugh she walked away.

十美元

凯西和波丽是好朋友，但她们总爱开对方的玩笑。

一天，凯西在街上遇见了波丽。她说：“喂，波丽，很高兴见到你。”

“我不在这里，你怎能看到我呢？”波丽说。

“你说你不在这里，这是什么意思？”凯西问，“你当然在这里。”

“不，我不在这里。”波丽说，“我和你打十美元的赌，赌我能证明我不在这里。”

“行，”凯西说，“十美元。现在证明你不在这里吧。”

“这很容易，”波丽说，“我在香港吗？”

“不在。”凯西说。

“我在巴黎吗？”

“不在。”凯西说。

“如果我既不在香港也不在巴黎，”波丽说，“那我一定在别处，对吧？”

“对，”凯西说，“你一定在别处。”

“一点不错，”波丽说，“既然我在别处，那我一定不在这里，对吗？请给十美元吧。”

“真聪明，波丽。”凯西说，“但我不能给你十美元。”

“为什么不给？”波丽问，“我们打过赌。”

“我们确实打过赌。”凯西说，“但既然你不在这里，我怎么能给你十美元呢？”说完，她笑着离开了。

32 A Little Old Lady

A little old lady went to the grocerystore to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check‐out counter.

The girl at the cash register said,“I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the government requires proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat. ”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store, and they sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog, and they sold her dog food.

The third day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid, and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole but the cashier refused, saying,“No, you might have a snake in there. ”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and exclaimed,“That smells like shit. ”

The liltte old lady said,“It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper？ ”

小老太太

一个小老太太去一家杂货铺买猫粮，她拿了三罐去交钱。

收银台小姐说：“如果你不能证明你有猫，我们就不能卖给你猫粮。因为很多老人买猫粮自己吃，所以政府要求买猫粮的人必须证明猫粮是买给猫吃的。”

老太太只好回家去把自己的猫抱来，售货员这才把猫粮卖给她。

第二天，老太太又想买三罐狗粮，结果收银台小姐又提出了同样的要求。因为老年人有时也吃狗粮。她回到家，把狗抱了来，买了狗粮。

第三天，老太太带了一个盒子，盒子上有一个洞，老太太让收银员把手放进盒子里，收银员拒绝了，说：“不，你可能在里面放了条蛇。”

老太太跟她保证盒子里不会有东西伤害她。收银员就把手放进去了，她拽出手大叫起来：“那闻起来像大便一样。”

老太太说：“是的。现在我可以买三卷卫生纸了吗？”

33 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage l—SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage, you are always right.

And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2—GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subjects under the sun.

Stage 3—RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar, because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4—BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point, you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and chanllenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5—INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point, you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs, because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the songs.

喝醉的五个阶段

阶段1——聪明

你突然成为已知世界里的每个领域的专家。

你什么事情都懂，而且想把你的知识传授给每个听你讲话的人。

在这个阶段里你总是对的。

当然，你正对之讲话的人肯定是错的。

当双方都是聪明的人时，就会引起一场有趣的争论。

阶段2——漂亮外表

这是你意识到自己是整间酒吧里最好看的人，而且所有的家伙都对你着迷的时刻。

你可以走向一个不错的陌生人，因为你知道他们迷恋你而且非常想和你说话。

脑子里还记得你是聪明的，因此你可以同这个人谈论世界上的所有话题。

阶段3——富有

这是你突然变成世界上最富有的人的时刻。

你可以请酒吧里所有人喝一杯，因为在酒吧后面你有一装甲卡车的钞票。

你还可以在这时候同别人打赌。这当然是因为你仍然非常聪明，自然你可以赢得所有的赌注。

你赌多少都没关系，因为你非常富有。

你也可以请你喜欢的人喝酒，因为此时你是世界上最美的人。

阶段4——好战证明

现在你已经准备好同任何人战斗，尤其是那些同你打赌或争吵的人。这是因为没有什么能伤害到你。

在这个时候你也可以走向你喜欢的人的同伴，向他们挑战，来一场智慧或财富的较量。

你不担心会在这场较量中失败，因为你聪明、富有，而且——该死——无论怎么样你都比他们好看！

阶段5——隐身

这是醉酒的最后阶段。

在这个时候你可以做任何事，因为没人能看到你。你可以在餐桌上跳舞来引起你喜欢的人的注意，因为这个房间里其余的人都看不见你。

对那些想同你打架的人，你也是看不见的。

你可以走在街上扯着嗓子大声唱歌，因为没人能看到你或听到你的声音，因为你非常聪明，你知道所有的歌。