上篇 狗血江湖

1 My First Operation

Patient: I’m so frightened—this is my first operation.

Surgeon: I know how you feel—this is my first operation, too.

第一次手术

病人：我非常害怕——这是我第一次手术。

外科医生：我知道你的感受——这也是我第一次手术。

2 Bouncing Up and Down

Nurse: Will gou bounce up and down on your bed please, sir?

Patient: Why, nurse?

Nurse: I forgot to shake the bottle before giving you the medicine.

上下跳动

护士：先生，您能在床上上下跳动一下吗？

病人：为什么呢，护士？

护士：给您药之前我忘了摇晃瓶子了。

3 Rules for Success

Young doctor: Well, dad, now that I’m hanging out my shingle, can you give me some rules for success?

Father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very plainly.

成功法则

年轻的医生：哦，爸，现在我挂牌开诊了，你能给我些成功法则吗？

父亲：把药方写得难以辨认，而账单却清清楚楚。

4 You Were Flying Too Low

A motorist speeding along a highway at 80 miles an hour was stopped by a policeman.“Was I driving too fast?”asked the motorist apologetically.

“Hell no.”replied the policeman.“You were flying too low!”

飞得太低了

一位司机在公路上以每小时80英里的速度急驶，不料被警察拦住了。

“我是不是开得太快了？”司机抱歉地问道。

“哪有啊，”警察回答，“你飞得太低了。”

5 Introductions

“You are a cheat!”shouted the attorney to his opponent.

“And you’re a liar!”bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected,“Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let’s get on with the case.”

介绍

“你是一个骗子！”律师向他的对手大叫道。

“你是一个撒谎者！”对手也愤怒地说。

法官大声敲响他的小木槌，插嘴说：“现在双方律师的身份都已确认，并记录在案，我们开始审理案子吧。”

6 Got It Again

My arm started to hurt me and I asked the doctor to examine it. He looked at my arm and brought out a medical book and studied it for ten minutes.

He said to me, “Have you ever had that pain before?”

I said, “Yes.”He said,“Well, you got it again.”

旧病复发

我胳膊开始疼，便让医生诊断一下。他看了看我的胳膊，又拿出一本医书，仔细研究了有十分钟。

他对我说：“你以前胳膊曾经疼过吗？”

我说：“疼过。”

他又说：“噢，你这是旧病复发。”

7 I Didn’t

A guy stopts his doctor in the mall. He stops him and says,“Three weeks ago I was in you office, you told me to go home, get into bed and stay there until you called.But you never called.”

“I didn’t ?”the doctor says,“Then what are you doing out of bed?”

我没打过

一个人在购物商场看到医生，便拦住他说：“三周前，我在你的诊所时，你让我回家钻进被窝一直呆到你打电话。可你从未打过。”

“我没打过吗？”医生说，“那你下床干什么？”

8 First Baby

A friend was in the hospital to give birth to her first baby. As the labor pains became more and more frequent and severe, she gasped to the nurse,“Is the hard part about over?”

The nurse replied,“Honey, this is the easy part. The hard part will last for the next 18 years.

第一胎

一位朋友在医院要生第一胎。分娩的阵痛越来越频繁、越来越剧烈，她气喘吁吁地问护士：“艰难部分马上就要结束了吧？”

护士答道：“亲爱的，这是轻松部分。艰难部分将是之后的十八年。”

9 Computer Language

I teach computer courses, and my students often call me at home with questions. One morning I was on the phone, explaining in computer language the solution to a problem while a repairman was fixing my refrigerator.

After an endless stream of“C colon, backslash, greater than, CD, backslash, DOS, C colon”and so on, I hung up and found the repairman staring at me.

“Lady,”he asked,“are you a spy?”

计算机语言

我教计算机课程，学生们经常往家里打电话问我问题。一天早上，我在电话里用计算机语言解释一个问题的答案，当时一个维修工正在给我修电冰箱。

经过一连串的“C冒号，反斜杠，大于号，CD，反斜杠，DOS，C冒号”等等之后，我挂上电话，发现维修工正在盯着我。

“女士，”他问，“你是间谍吗？”

10 Experience

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

His lawyer argued,“Your honor, my client has been driving for over twenty years.”

“Your honor, ”the plaintiff’s lawyer retorted,“If this case is going to be judged by experience, I may remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!”

经验

一名汽车驾驶员正在受审，因为他开车撞着了一名步行者。

他的律师辩解道：“法官大人，我的当事人已经开了二十年的车了。”

“法官大人，”原告律师回应道，“如果这起案件要凭经验来判决的话，那么我可以提醒您，我的当事人已经走了五十年的路了！”

11 Do You Need Help

After completing a course to become an emergency medical technician, I was ready to put my new skills to the test. Driving along the highway, I saw a man lying beside his vehicle. I stopped, grabbed my medical kit and ran to his side.

“I’m an EMT. ”I said,“Do you need help?”

“Sure. ”he answered,“Can you change a flat tire?”

需要帮忙吗

学完最后一项课程成为急诊医师后，我时刻准备把自己新学的技术派上用场。沿着公路行驶时，我看到一个人躺在他的车边。我停下车，一把抓起急救包，跑到他身边。

“我是急诊医师。你需要帮忙吗？”我说。

“当然需要，”他回答说，“你会换漏气的车胎吗？”

12 The Last Tooth

A woman went to see her dentist and complained about a bad toothache.

“Does it hurt very much?”asked the dentist.

“Yes, it does!”

“All right, Ms. Brown, ”the dentist said to his assistant,“you can leave us now. I’ll take care of this.”The assistant left, and the dentist and his patient were alone.

“Darling,”said the dentist as he embraced the woman,“we can’t go on meeting like this.”

“But why not?”she asked.

“Because you’re down to your last tooth!”

最后一颗牙

一位女士去看牙医，抱怨说牙很疼。

“牙很疼吗？”牙医问道。

“对，很疼！”

“好吧，布朗女士，”医生对助手说，“你先出去一下。这儿由我来处理。”助手出去了，只剩下了牙医和患者。

“亲爱的，”牙医拥抱着这位女士说，“我们不能再这样约会了。”

“为什么？”她问道。

“因为你只剩一颗牙了！”

13 Pregnant

Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason,“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her.”I told the CO. Much to my surprise, he said, albeit curtly,“Permission granted. ”Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant. So when the CO asked why he should grant him permission, my friend responded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her. ”

怀孕

尽管知道我们的指挥官不喜欢发放周末通行证，但我想我有一个充足的理由。我告诉指挥官说：“我妻子怀孕了，我想陪着她。”让我惊讶的是，他竟只是简短地说了一句：“准假。”受到我成功请假的鼓舞，一个哥们也去申请周末通行证。他的妻子可没怀孕。于是，当指挥官问他有什么理由让他发通行证的时候，那哥们就说：“我妻子这周末准备怀孕，我想跟她在一起。”

14 That Officer Was Not Popular

It was a dark and stormy night in the harbor. An officer was returning to his ship. Suddenly he slipped the gangplank and fell into the water. One of the men saw this and jumped into the water to help him. After a hard struggle against the wind and water, he finally brought the officer on board.

“Thank you very much.”said the officer,“Tomorrow I’ll thank you before the whole ship’s company.”

“Please don’t do that sir. ”said the sailor,“If they know that I have saved you, they will surely kill me.

不受欢迎的长官

一个漆黑的夜晚，港口风雨交加。一位军官正要返回他的船上，突然在上船的步桥上滑倒，掉进了水里。一名水兵看到了，立即跳进水里去救他。经过与大风大浪的一番艰苦搏斗，这名水兵终于把军官救上了船。

“非常感谢你，”军官说，“明天我要在全体士兵面前感谢你救了我。”

“长官，请千万不要那么做，”水兵说，“如果他们知道是我救了你，他们一定会杀了我的。”

15 Surgeons

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said,“I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.”

“I think librarians are the easiest.”said the second surgeon,

“When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered.”

The third surgeon said,“I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded.”

The fourth one said,“I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.”

外科医生

四个外科医生一边喝着咖啡休息，一边谈论着他们的工作。

第一个医生说：“我觉得给会计做手术是最容易的了，因为里面所有的东西都编了号。”

第二个医生说：“我觉得给图书管理员做手术最简单，打开他们胸腹腔，会发现所有器官都是按字母顺序排列的。”

第三个医生说：“我喜欢给电工做手术，他们所有的器官都编成了色码。”

第四个医生说：“我喜欢给律师做手术，因为他们无心（无情），无脊椎（没有骨气），无肠子（没有胆量），而且他们的头和屁股可以互换。”

16 Is She Pregnant

A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. But after five minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,“What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Green is 62 years old, and she has five grown children and seven grandchildren, but you told her she was pregnant?”The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,“Does she still have the hiccups?”

她怀孕了?

一个女人去诊所，为她看病的是一位年轻的医生。在检查室才待了五分钟，她就突然放声大哭，尖叫着跑了出去。一位老医生拦住她，问发生了什么事，女人就告诉了他整个事情经过。听完之后，老医生让她坐在另一间屋子里平静一下。

老医生穿过走廊来到了那个年轻医生的办公室，大声呵斥道：“你是怎么搞的？格林夫人今年都六十二岁了，她五个孩子都已经成年了，她都有七个孙子孙女了。可是你现在竟然告诉她说她怀孕了！”这位年轻医生继续写他的记录，眼皮也没抬地问道：“现在她不打嗝了吧？”

17 The Warm‐hearted Nurse

A warm‐heared nurse on her first day’s work went up to patient who had come to London as a vister. She asked him if there was angthing she shoud do for him, but he only waved his hands and said something she could not understand. With a cheerful smile, she asked him again and he just kept saying the same words, but in a very much lower voice before closing his eyes, she felt his pulse, and found out that he was gone. She was very sorry for this man who had died so far away from his native land.

She rushed to the doctor and repeated to him the sounds she had heard.“My dear girl,”said the doctor after listening carefully to what she repeated,“he was saying‘You are standing on my oxygen piper’.”

热心的护士

一位热心的护士在她第一天工作的时候，遇到的病人是一位来伦敦旅游的游客。她问他是否有什么需要的，但是他只是摆摆手说了一些她听不懂的话。带着微笑，她又问了他一遍，而他闭上眼睛，继续说着一样的话，但是声音微弱。她摸了摸他的脉搏，发现他已经去世了。她感到非常难过，因为他死于他乡。

她赶到医生面前重复着她刚才听到的话。“我亲爱的姑娘，”医生听完她的重复后说，“他在说‘你踩到了我的氧气管’。”

18 Appeal

A man passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The man immediately said that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least fvie years before his appeal could be heard. The man protested that a fvie‐year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The man was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the man was willing to change venue to Hell.When the man asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told,“We have all of the lawyers and judges. ”

上诉

一个男人去世后，发现自己身在天堂，但对他的住处并不感到满意。他向圣彼德抱怨，圣彼德告诉他唯一的解决方法是申请分配住所。男人立即说要上诉，但是又被告知他的上诉受理至少要等五年。男人抗议说五年的等待期不合理，但是他的话根本就没有人听。然后魔鬼来找男人，告诉他说如果男人愿意到地狱去，那么他的申诉几天内就会被受理。男人问他为什么在地狱申诉会那么快被受理，魔鬼告诉他：“所有的律师和法官都在我们那儿。”

19 The Taxi Driver and the Priest

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly Gates waiting for them.

“Come with me. ”said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.“It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. ”

“Wow, thank you. ”said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up. ”said the priest,“Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word. ”

“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed! ”

出租车司机和牧师

一名出租车司机和一名牧师过世了，两人来到天堂。圣彼得正在天堂之门等着他们。

“跟我来。”圣彼得对出租车司机说。

司机跟着圣彼得来到一套公寓前。“这儿有你可以想到的任何东西，从保龄球场到奥林匹克规模的游泳池都有。”

“哇，谢谢您。”出租车司机说。

接着，圣彼得带着牧师来到一间粗糙的旧窝棚，里面有一张双层床和一台又小又旧的电视机。

“等等，我想你会不会搞错了。”牧师说，“难道我不应该是那个得到公寓的人吗？我毕竟是一名牧师，每天都去教堂，宣扬上帝的话。”

“是的，这倒是真的。但是在你布道的过程中人们都在睡觉。而出租车司机开车时，每个人都在祈祷！”

20 A Brand‐new Brain

A very successful young tycoon suddenly lost his business flair and he was so worried that he went to see his doctor. His doctor could find nothing wrong with him but suggested that he should see a brain specialist.

He did this and was told that his brain was prematurely old and worn out but with modern brain transplant surgery he could be a new one.

He asked about the cost, and the reply was that it depended on what type of brain he wanted—for example, he could have a legal brain for ￡20, 000 or a doctor’s brain for ￡30, 000, or all army officer’s brain for ￡60,000.

“That’s a ridiculous! An officer’s brain can’t cost twice as much as a doctor’s!”

“Oh, yes.”was the reply,“You see, it’s as good as new; it has never been used.”

全新大脑

一位事业有成的年轻企业巨头突然失去了做生意的天赋，他心中焦急万分，赶紧去看自己的私人医生。什么问题也没查出，但医生建议他去看看脑科专家。企业家去了脑科专家那里，被告知他的大脑过早老化，已经衰竭，但通过现代大脑移植手术，他可以拥有一个全新的大脑。

企业家问移植手术的价格，答复是那取决于他想要哪种大脑——比如说，他可以有一个律师的大脑，是两万英镑，或一个医生的大脑，是三万英镑，或一个军官的大脑，是六万英镑。

“太可笑啦！军官的脑袋居然比医生的脑袋贵一倍！”

“哦，没错，”脑科专家回答，“你知道，军官的脑袋是崭新的，它从来就没被用过。”

21 Traffic Accident

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road.They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt.It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.

Both the drivers get out of their cars. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.

It’s cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident.

The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.

“Oh, thank you. ”the doctor accepts. He takes a few drink and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

“Aren’t you also going to have a drink?”the doctor asks.“Yes, after the police gets here.”replies the lawyer.

交通事故

午夜，某地两辆车同时在路中央的白线上调头，然后撞在了一块儿，车损伤情况严重。虽然两个车主并没有受伤，但很难看出是谁肇事。

两人都走出车外，一人是一位医生，另一人是一名律师。律师用车上的电话报了警，然后走过来同医生交谈。

空气很冷很湿，两人对这场事故都有点心有余悸。律师掏出身后裤袋里的酒瓶，递给医生让他喝一口白兰地。

“哦，谢谢。”医生接过来，他喝了一点，然后还给了律师。律师把酒瓶抛到一边。

“你不来一口吗？”医生问。

“要，在警察到了之后。”律师回答。

22 A Tough Marine Sergeant

A tough Marine sergeant got word that the grandfather of one of his men had died. At roll call he snapped,“Hey, Henry, your grandfather died!”the Marine fainted on the spot.

A week later the grandmother of another Marine died. The sergeant once again called his men together.

“Amy, ”he yelled,“your grandmother died last night!”

The Marine burst into tears.

Finally, word got back to the captain about the sergeant’s insensitivity. He was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his troops suffered a tragedy. A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Jack had just lost his grandmother.Remembering what the captain had said, he lined up his troops.

“Everyone whose grandmother is alive, please take one step forward. Not so fast, Jack!”

粗鲁的海军中士

一个粗鲁的海军中士接到命令，说他的一名士兵的爷爷去世了。他在点名时大声说道：“嘿，亨利，你爷爷死了！”那名士兵当场昏倒在地。

一周后，另一名士兵的奶奶死了。中士又一次将他的士兵们叫到了一块儿。

“艾米，”他大声说道，“你奶奶昨天夜里死了！”那名士兵顿时泪如雨下。

最后，关于“中士没有人情味”的议论传到了上尉那里。上尉把他叫去训了一顿，吩咐他说，当士兵遇到伤心事时，不要直截了当态度粗鲁。又过了一周，中士被通知说，列兵杰克的奶奶刚刚去世了。想起上尉说过的话，中士让大家排队站好。

“奶奶还活着的人，请向前跨一步。杰克，不要那么快！”

23 How Many Can Be Discharged

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decided to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharged that day.

At the front of the room, the doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door.

There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching a clawing at the door and the handle.

The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chucking to himself as he watched his fellow patients.

Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn’t trying to open the door.

The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, “I’ve got the key!”

多少人能出院

一个精神病医院因为过度拥挤遭到很多人的指责，医生决定让所有的病人都待在一个大房间里做一个测试，再决定多少人能出院。

医生站在房间前边，拿出一些粉笔，在黑板上画了一个与实际尺寸大小相同的门，然后说谁能打开这扇门就奖励给他一个冰激凌。

病人们蜂拥而上，疯狂地奔向那扇假门，用手拼命地抓门和门把手。

医生们失望极了，直到他们发现有一个病人仍然坐在自己的椅子上，一边静静地抿嘴笑，一边看着他的病友们。

医生们觉得今天至少能有一个人出院了，他们感到很欣慰，医生们问他为什么他不去开那扇门。

那个病人再也忍不住笑了，大喊道：“我有钥匙！”

24 That’s Your Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

“I need someone with an accounting degree, ”the man said.“But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“How’s that?”the would‐be accountant asked.

“I worry about a lot of things. ”the man said,“But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. ”

“I see.”the accountant said,“And how much will my position pay?”

“I’ll start you at ninty‐five thousand, ”responded the man decisively.

“Ninty five thousand dollars!”the accountant exclaimed .“How can such a small business afford a sum like that？ ”

“That, ”the man said,“is your first worry. Now get to work!”

那是你的事

一个小伙子刚从商业学校毕业，去应聘做会计。

现在，小伙子正在接受面试，面试他的是一个焦躁傲慢、个子矮小的男人，经营着自己白手起家的小公司。

“我需要会计专业的人，”他说，“但是我主要是想找一个能为我分忧的人。”

“我操的心可多着呢，”他说，“但是我用不着为钱而操心了，你的工作就是为我操这个心。”

“我明白了，”小伙说，“这个职位薪水是多少？”

“起薪九万五千美元。”这个男人果断回答。

“九万五千美元！”小伙子惊叫道，“这么小的公司怎么能够开出这么高的薪水来？”

“这个问题，”那个男人说，“就是你第一个要操心的事。现在马上工作吧！”

25 Post Haste

My husband asked me to go to the post office to mail his resume in anticipation of a job interview. He instructed me to send it the fastest way possible.

Struck by the urgency in his voice, I grabbed a handful of change and dashed out the door. Arriving at the post office, I rushed to the counter and breathlessly explained to the clerk that my envelope had to be delivered immediately. He casually weighed the envelope and said it would cost $10. 03. I fumbled through my pockets and tallied up my coins.“But I don’t have $10. 03. ”I said. He punched some more buttons and said,“OK, that will be $7. 40, madam. ”

Once more I said in dismay,“Sorry, I don’t have $7. 40. ”

“Well, ”he sighed,“exactly how much do you have?”

I meekly answered,“I have exactly $2. 15. sir. ”

With that, he yelled over his shoulder to a coworker,“Hey, Charlie, get the pigeon ready. ”

紧急邮递

我丈夫要我去邮局，邮寄他的简历，期望能得到一个工作面试的机会。他叮嘱我，一定要想方设法尽快邮寄出去。

看他那么着急，我立马抓起一把零钱，匆匆忙忙冲出门去。到了邮局，我冲到柜台，气喘吁吁地对职员说我的信件必须立即被邮寄出去。他漫不经心地称了一下信件说要花费10.03美元。我翻遍了口袋，加上了所有的硬币。“但是我没有10.03美元。”我回答。他敲了几个键，说道：“好吧，那现在需要7.40美元，女士。”

我再一次摇了摇头：“对不起，我也没有7.40美元。”

“好吧。”他叹了口气，“你到底有多少？”

我谦和地回答：“我有2.15美元，先生。”

听了我的话后，他转身对同事喊道：“喂，查理，准备好信鸽。”

26 Old Fire Truck

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana.

The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in an old fire truck.

They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire de‐ partment’s work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared. Right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for＄5, 000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.“That should be obvious.”he responded,“The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that old fire truck.”

旧消防车

印第安那州一个农场附近的草原燃起了大火，人们叫来附近城镇的消防队灭火。火势到了这支小小的城镇消防队难以处理的地步，有人建议应该叫乡村志愿消防队。尽管怀疑他们是否帮得上忙，但还是打去了电话。

志愿消防队开着一辆旧消防车赶到现场，径直冲进了火海，把车停在了熊熊火焰之中。志愿消防队员跳下消防车，开始拼命向四面八方喷水。他们很快就扑灭了中心的火焰，并分两个区域控制住了火势。

农场主对志愿消防队的工作大为感动，为农场得以幸存而对他们不胜感谢。他当场赠给志愿消防队一张五千美元的支票。

一名当地记者问志愿消防队队长，消防队准备如何使用这笔资金。他回答说：“很显然，我们要做的第一件事就是把那辆旧消防车的刹车修好。”

27 Protect Himself

When sailors are allowed ashore after a long time at sea, they sometimes get drunk and cause trouble. For this reason, the navy always has naval police in big ports. When sailors cause trouble the naval police come and deal with them.

One day, the naval police in one big seaport received an urgent telephone call from a bar in the town. The barman said that a big sailor had got drunk and was breaking the furniture in the bar. The petty officer who was in charge of the naval police guard that evening said that he would come immediately.

Now petty officer who had to go and deal with sailors who were violently drunk usually chose the biggest naval policeman they could find to go with them. But this particular petty officer did not do this, Instead, he chose the smallest and weakest‐looking man he could find to go to the bar with him and arrest the sailor who was breaking the furniture.

Another petty officer who happened to be there was surprised when he saw the petty officer of the guard choose this small man, so he said to him,“Why don’t you take a big man with you? You may have to fight the sailor who is drunk. ”

“Yes, you are quite right. ”answered the petty officer of the guard,“That is exactly why I am taking this small two policemen coming to arrest you, and one of them was much smaller than the other, which one would you attack?”

保护自己

当水兵们在海上航行很长时间上岸之后，他们有时会喝得酩酊大醉，并且惹出一些麻烦事。每当这个时候，海军总会在一些大港口增设一些海军警察。当水兵们闹事的时候，这些海军警察就会来处理。

一天，一个大港口的海军警察接到了城镇酒吧的紧急电话。酒保说一个高大的水手喝醉了，打坏了酒吧里的家具。当晚值班的海军士官说他会立刻赶过去。

去对付那些喝醉的水手们，海军士官通常会带着最高大的海军警察跟着他们一起去。但是这个特殊的士官没这么做，而是挑选了看起来最弱小的一个人跟他一起去逮捕那个打碎家具的水兵。

另一名碰巧在那里的海军士官看到这名士官就带了一个这第弱小的人时，感到很惊讶，因此对他说：“你为什么不带一个大家伙和你一起呢？你可能会和那个喝醉的水手发生冲突的。”

“正因为如此我才要带着这个弱小的人一起。如果你看见两个警察过来逮捕你，其中一个比另一个弱小很多，你会去攻击哪一个？”

28 Cover the Shadow with Sand

The soldiers had just moved to the desert, and as they had never been in such a place before, they had a lot to learn.

As there were no trees or buildings in the desert, it was, of course, very hard to hide their trucks from enemy planes. The soldiers were, therefore given training in camouflage, which means ways of covering something so that the enemy cannot see where it is. They were shown how to paint their trucks in irregular patterns with pale green, yellow and brown paints, and then to cover them with nets to which they had tied small pieces of cloth.

The driver who had the biggest truck went to a lot of trouble to camouflage it. He spent several hours painting it, preparing a net and searching for some heavy rocks with which to hold the net down. When it was all finished, he looked proudly at his work and then went off to have his lunch.

But when he came back to the truck after he had his meal, he was surprised and worried to see that his camouflage work was completely spoilt by the truck’s shadow, which was growing longer and longer as the afternoon advanced. He stood looking at it, not knowing what to do about it. Soon an officer arrived, and he too saw the shadow, of course.

“Well,”he shouted to the poor driver,“what are you going to do about it? If an enemy plane comes over, the pilot will at once know that there is a truck there.”

“I know, sir.”answered the soldier.

“Well, don’t just stand there doing nothing!”said the officer.

“What shall I do, sir?”asked the poor driver.

“Get your spade and throw some sand over the shadow, of course!”answered the officer.

用沙子遮住影子

士兵们刚刚转移到沙漠，由于他们之前从没到过这种地方，他们有很多要学习的。

当然，由于沙漠里没有树和建筑，想把卡车藏起来躲避敌机是很难做到的。于是士兵们经常进行伪装隐藏的训练，这意味着对一些东西进行伪装隐藏，而让敌机不会看到它们在哪儿。教官向他们演示如何用淡绿、黄色和棕色等不规则的图形来涂饰他们的卡车，然后用布条缠成的网来掩盖。

最大的卡车的司机在隐藏过程中遇到了很多麻烦。他用了好几个小时来涂饰，准备网和寻找那些能把网压住的笨重的石头。这一切结束的时候，他看着自己的工作成果感到很自豪，然后便去吃午餐了。

但是当他吃完饭回来的时候，他很惊奇而且很焦虑地看见隐藏工作被卡车的影子完全毁掉了，而且随着时间临近下午，影子变得越来越大。他站在那里看着，不知道怎么做。过了一会儿，一位长官到了，当然他也看到了这个影子。

“嘿，”他朝着这个可怜的司机喊道，“你打算怎么办？如果敌机经过，飞行员会立刻知道这里有一辆卡车。”

“我知道，长官。”士兵回答。

“好，那就别站在那里什么都不做！”长官说道。

“我应该怎么做，长官？”可怜的司机问道。

“当然是拿起你的铁锹，往影子上面扔一些土，盖住它！”长官回答。

29 In Prison VS at Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... You get three flee meals a day.

AT WORK... You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.. You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... You get your own toilet.

AT WORK... You have to share.

IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK... You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers.

AT WORK... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... You spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK... You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... They ball‐and‐chain you when you go somewhere.

AT WORK... You are just ball‐and‐chained.

IN PRISON... You get your own room.

AT WORK... You have to share.

IN PRISON... You can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

AT WORK... There are some programs you can never get out of.

IN PRISON... There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK... You have managers.

IN PRISON... You have unlimited time to read jokes.

AT WORK... You get fired if you get caught.

监狱与单位

在监狱……大部分时间都待在8×10的小牢房里。

在单位……大部分时间都待在6×8的格子间里。

在监狱……一日三餐齐全免费。

在单位……只有工间休息才能吃午餐，还得自己掏钱。

在监狱……表现好可以减刑

在单位……表现好得到的奖赏是干更多的活。

在监狱……有看守为你开门关门。

在单位……必须自己带门禁卡，动手开门。

在监狱……可以看电视玩游戏。

在单位……看电视玩游戏会被炒鱿鱼。

在监狱……人人都有自己的马桶。

在单位……大家得共享马桶。

在监狱……允许家人朋友来探望。

在单位……和家人朋友甚至连通话都不行。

在监狱……所有支出都由纳税人付。

在单位……上班的费用自己出，工资还得扣税付给囚犯。

在监狱……绝大多数时候通过铁栏杆向外望想要出去。

在单位……绝大多数时候想出去进入酒吧。

在监狱……去一些地方要戴着镣铐。

在单位……你一直戴着镣铐。

在监狱……人人都有自己的单间。

在单位……你得和别人共用。

在监狱……你可以任意选择参加什么活动，也可以在任何时候离开。

在单位……有一些要做的事情你永远都逃脱不了。

在监狱……有些看守是虐待狂。

在单位……你有顶头上司。

在监狱……有大把大把的时间读笑话。

在单位……如果被发现在看笑话就会被炒鱿鱼。