上篇 极品醉爱

1 Marry Penguin

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate.“I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities. ”

Back came the answer,“Marry penguin. ”

娶企鹅

一个单身汉想在电脑上找一个完美伴侣。“我要找一个娇小可爱、喜欢水上运动和集体活动的伴侣。”

回答是：“娶企鹅。”

2 Reason

The couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. William was annoyed at Mary’s indifference to what he felt was a poor job.“The problem is that I’m a perfectionist and you’re not. ”he finally said to her.

“Exactly! ”she replied,“That’s why you married me and I married you! ”

原因

我认识的一对夫妻正在讨论刚刚挂上的壁纸。威廉觉得壁纸挂得不好，玛丽却漠不关心，威尔对此感到气恼。“问题就是我是个完美主义者，而你不是。”他最后对她说。

“说得对！”她答道，“这就是你娶了我，我嫁给你的原因！”

3 I Don’t Know Her

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

“Why don’t you do that？ ”said the wife.

“Honey, ”replied her husband,“I don’t even know that woman! ”

我还不认识她呢

一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。

“你为什么不那么做呢？”妻子说。

“亲爱的，”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女人呢！”

4 My Husband

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

“Who was it？ ”he asked.

“My husband. ”she replied.

“I better be going. ”he said,“Where was he？ ”

“Relax. He’s downtown playing poker with you. ”

我丈夫

电话铃响时，她留他一个人坐在沙发上，不一会儿又回到了他身边。

“是谁？”他问。

“我的丈夫。”她答道。

“我最好还是走吧。”他说，“他在哪里？”

“放松，他正在闹市区和你打扑克呢。”

5 The Poor Husband

“You can’t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife. ”the man complained to his friend,“She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explains to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong. ”

可怜的丈夫

“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道有多么难。”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”

6 You’ve Already Heard It

Arriving at home, I was about to show my husband my newly done hair. Hearing my footsteps, he called out,“I’m going to tell you a joke that’s going to make your hair curl. ”

He turned around, took a look at me and added,“Oh, you’ve already heard it. ”

你已经听过了

回到家，我打算给丈夫看我新做的头发。听到我的脚步声，丈夫喊道：“给你讲个笑话，它会让你笑得头发卷起来。”

他转过身，看了我一眼，补充道：“哦，原来你已经听过了。”

7 Send for the Fire Brigade

One’s wife could not read the thermometer, but she took her husband’s temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor,“Dear doctor, please come at once. My husband’s temperature is 53. ”

The doctor replied,“Dear madam, I can do nothing. Send for the fire brigade. ”

叫消防队

一个人的妻子不会看体温计。她用体温计给丈夫量过体温后，给医生打了个电话：“尊敬的医生，请马上来吧。我丈夫的体温到了五十三度。”

医生回答说：“亲爱的夫人，我无能为力，快去叫消防队吧。”

8 Who Is This Speaking

She answered the phone to hear a repentant voice.“I’m sorry, darling, ”he said,“I have thought things over and you can have the Rolls‐Royce as a wedding present, we will move to the Gold Coast, and your mother can stay with us. Now will you marry me？ ”

“Of course I will. ”she said,“And who is this speaking？ ”

你是谁

她接电话时听到一个忏悔的声音说：“对不起，亲爱的，我已经想过了，你可以拥有劳斯莱斯作为结婚礼物，我们将搬到黄金海岸，你母亲可以和我们一块儿住。现在你愿意嫁给我吗？”

“我当然愿意，”她说，“可你是谁呀？”

9 Want Her to Go Nuts

Mrs. Henry decided to have her portrait painted.She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,”said Mrs. Henry,“It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he’d remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”

我要让她发疯

亨利夫人想让人给她画幅肖像画。她告诉那位画家说：“把我画成戴着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯还有红宝石垂饰的样子。”

“可这些东西您一样也没戴啊。”

“我知道，”亨利夫人说，“我是想着万一我比我丈夫先死去，他肯定会很快再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”

10 Domestic Thief

“Well, my dear,”he said, as he was dressing,“I suppose you were right when you told me last night that there was a burglar in the house. ”

“Why？”

“Because all the money that was in my pockets when I went to bed is gone. ”

“Well, if you’d been brave and got up to shoot the wretch, you’d have had your money this morning. ”

“Possibly, but then I would have been a widower.”

She gave him back half the money.

家贼

“哦，亲爱的，”男人穿衣服的时候说，“我想你昨晚告诉我说屋里有个贼是对的。”

“为什么？”

“因为我昨天上床睡觉的时候还在我口袋里的钱现在全都不见了。”

“呃，如果你勇敢点并且起来向那个卑鄙的人开枪的话，你今天早上就能拿回你的钱。”

“也许吧，但是我就会成为一名鳏夫了。”

她把一半的钱还给了他。

11 It Was Too Late

Although I had never met him, I knew that my grandfather had been five feet and five inches tall, while my stately grandmother stood five feet and eleven inches. As a teenager leafing through old photographs with grandma, I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together.

“Grandma,”I asked,“how could you have fallen in love with a man six inches shorter than you？”

She turned to me.“Honey,” she said,“we fell in love sitting down, and when I stood up, it was late.”

为时已晚

尽管我未见过祖父，不过我知道他身高只有五英尺五英寸，而我高贵典雅的祖母身高却有五英尺十一英寸。我十几岁的时候，和祖母一起翻看着老照片，我觉得他们在一起看起来很别扭。

“奶奶，”我问道，“你怎么会爱上一个比你矮六英寸的人呢？”

她转向我说道：“宝贝，我们相爱的时候是坐着的，而当我站起来的时候，已经晚了。”

12 Questions and Answer

1. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first？ The dog of course, at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!

2. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband？

About 20 pounds.

3. How do most men define marriage？

A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

4. What’s the difference between marriage and death？

Dead people are free.

巧问妙答

1. 如果你的狗正在后门叫，而你妻子正在前门吵，你先给谁开门？

当然先给狗开门，至少你让它进来后，它就闭嘴了。

2. 男朋友和丈夫有什么差别？

大概相差二十磅。

3. 大多数男人怎么定义婚姻？

一种价格昂贵的洗衣方法。

4. 婚姻和死亡有什么差别？

死人是自由的。

13 You Look Like An Old Gentleman

I think women’s role will always be accentuated if they adorn life with their beautiful hairdos.

“I no longer look like an old lady.”said Sophia to her husband now busy solving a cross‐word puzzle by the fire.

She had just been to her hairdresser and looked quite a different person.

The fellow lifted his head and muttered under his breath：

“That’s quite time, darling. You don’t look like an old lady at all. ”

“And what do I look like？”insisted the lady blushing prettily.

“You look like an old gentleman. ”

你看起来像个老绅士

我认为女性如果用漂亮的发型来装点生活，她们的性别会更突出。

“我看起来不再像个老太太了。”索菲亚对她正在火炉前玩填字游戏的丈夫说。

她刚去过美发店，现在看起来完全像变了一个人。

那个老家伙抬起头嘟囔着说：

“一点儿不错，亲爱的，你看起来一点都不像个老妇人。”

“那我看起来像什么呢？”这位女士害羞地问道。

“你看起来像个老绅士。”

14 Notes

A friend was going into hospital for an operation so she spent the morning writing short notes which she left round the house for her husband to find. One note on the kitchen door said,“Eat three times a day.”Another note on the bedside table wished him pleasant dreams.A third note on the side of the bath read,“Please clean me after use.”Every room had a message of some sort but the funniest of all was pinned to his best suit in the wardrobe. It said,“ Just where do you think you’re going tonight to need this？”

便条

一个朋友打算去医院做手术，于是她花了一早上的时间写了些便条，并把它们放在了家里的各个地方，以便她的丈夫可以找到。在厨房的门上有一张便条写道：“一天吃三顿饭。”

床头桌子旁的便条是希望他做好梦。

浴缸旁的便条写着：“用完后将我洗干净。”每个房间都有各种提示，而最有意思的是，衣橱里，她丈夫最好的那身衣服上贴着的便条写道：“今晚你需要穿它去什么地方？”

15 Who’s in Heaven

An olderly gentleman had passed away. His grief‐stricken widow missed him so much that she could not sleep a wink for days.

On one sleepless night, she heard a voice and immediately inquired,“Is that you, dear？”

“Yes, it’s me.”

“How are you doing？”

“I’m fine.”

The concerned wife inquired further,“Are you happy now？”

“Yes, I’m happy now.”

“Are you happier now than when you were with me？”

“Yes, much happier.”

Assuming that her husband was enjoying the heavenly bliss, with curiosity in her voice, the lady asked,“Tell me dear, what’s heaven like？”

“Who’s in heaven？”

谁在天堂

一位老人去世了，他妻子很想念他，伤心不已，夜不能寐。

又是一个不眠之夜，妻子听到有什么声音，便立即问道：“是你吗，亲爱的？”

“是的，是我。”

“你现在过得好吗？”

“我过得很好。”

妻子又关切地问道：“你现在幸福吗？”

“嗯，挺幸福的。”

“比我们在一起时还幸福吗？”

“是的，幸福多了。”

得知丈夫在天堂很快乐，妻子又好奇地问道：

“亲爱的，跟我说说，天堂什么样啊？”

“谁在天堂啊？”

16 Flatterer

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the way.

Mabel, a friend of mine, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the“miracle”

products, she asks her husband,“Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am？”

Looking over her carefully, he replied,“Judging from your skin, twenty；your hair, eighteen；and your body, twenty five. ”

“Oh, you flatterer！”She gushed. Just as she was about to tell him his reward, he stops her saying.

“Wow, hold on there sweety!”he interrupted,“I haven’t added them up yet!”

马屁精

有些人优雅地变老，还有一些人为变老而挣扎、抓狂。

梅布尔是我的朋友，她拒绝变老的容颜，就出门买了一套新出的化妆品，可不便宜，但能让她看起来年轻很多岁。

梅布尔在镜子前涂抹这个“神奇”化妆品涂了很久，她问老公：“亲爱的，老实说，如果你不认识我，你觉得我有多大啊？”

梅布尔的老公仔细看了看，回答：“看皮肤是二十，看头发是十八，看身材是二十五。”

“哦，你这个马屁精！”梅布尔脱口而出。正当梅布尔准备告诉老公得到什么奖励时，老公没有让她说下去。

“哇，亲爱的，等会！”他说，“我还没有加起来呢！”

17 Knocked the Door

Mr. and Mrs. John lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mr. John came back from work very late, when his wife and child were asleep, he opened the front door of his house with the key and came in very quietly.

But one night he came home late and lost his key, so when he reached his house, he rang the bell. Nothing happened. He rang it again. Again nothing happened—nobody moved inside the house. Mr. John knocked at the bedroom window and shouted, but his wife didn’t wake up. At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds. Then he began to speak like a little child,“Mama, I wanna pee. ”He spoke in a low voice but at once Mrs. John woke up.

叫门

约翰夫妇和孩子住在伦敦附近的一座小房子里。有时，约翰先生很晚才下班回家。当妻子和孩子已经睡着时，他就用钥匙打开前门，轻轻走进屋里。

但有一天夜里，他很晚才回家，钥匙也丢了，所以，到家门口时，他只好按门铃。没有动静。他又按了一次门铃。还是没有动静——屋里没有人动。约翰先生敲了敲卧室窗户，大声喊叫，但他的妻子还是没有醒。最后，他停下来想了一会儿，然后像小孩子那样说道：“妈妈，我要尿尿。”他说话声很低，但约翰太太马上就醒了。

18 Jimmy and Linda

Jimmy and Linda are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Linda’s in the bathroom, as Jimmy’s getting undressed he says to himself,“How am I going to tell her？ How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world’s smelliest feet？”Then he throws his socks under the bed.

Linda walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom. Linda sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself,“How am I going to tell him？ How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world’s worst breath？ I’ve got to tell him. ”Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom.

Linda runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says,“Honey, I’ve got to tell you something. ”Jimmy says.

“Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks. ”

吉米和琳达

吉米和琳达在他们的新婚之夜住进了蜜月套房，琳达正在浴室里。吉米一边脱衣服一边自言自语：“我该怎样告诉她呢？我该怎样告诉我的新婚妻子我有世界上最臭的脚呢？”于是他把他的袜子扔到了床底。

琳达从浴室里走了出来，吉米因为太不好意思面对她，赶紧从她身边跑过去，进了浴室。琳达坐在床边自言自语：“我该怎样告诉他呢？我该怎样告诉我的新婚丈夫我有世界上最臭的嘴呢？我一定得告诉他。”

正在这时吉米从浴室里走了出来。琳达朝他跑了过去，给了他一个长长的热吻，把他拉回床边说道：“亲爱的，我一定要告诉你一件事。”吉米答道：“啊，我知道了，你刚才吃了我的袜子。”

19 Give up Smoking

Lucy looked at her husband scornfully and said,“Didn’t your doctor tell you to give up smoking？ ”

“He did, ”answered Dick who seemed to be ashamed of himself,“and...”

“And yet you insist on smoking like a chimney, ”continued Lucy,“you smoke at least 40 cigarettes a day! ”

“Er...well, ”answered Dick who seemed under his wife’s thumb,“I suppose I’d better cut it down for a time. I don’t think I could actually do without a cigarette all day long. ”

“And where is your strong willpower？ ”asked Lucy,“You should break the habit at once! ”

Dick had always been as meek as a mouse but this time he felt he could not give way.

“You could think as you like, darling, but I just can’t do it. ”

“What？ Can’t do it？ ”exclaimed Lucy,“Look at your friend Bill! He’s given up smoking successfully over ten times! ”

戒烟

露茜轻蔑地看着丈夫说：“医生不是让你戒烟吗？”

“是的，”迪克难为情地说，“可是……”

“可你还是像烟囱似的抽个不停。”露茜继续说道，“你一天至少抽四十支烟！”

“呃……噢，”好像有“妻管严”的迪克回答说，“我想我最好一次减少一点。我想整天不抽我可受不了。”

“你的坚强毅力到哪里去了？”露茜问，“你应该马上改掉这个习惯！”

迪克总是言听计从，但这次他觉得不能让步。

“亲爱的，你爱怎么想就怎么想，可我真的做不到。”

“什么？做不到？”露茜大声喊道，“瞧瞧你的朋友比尔，他已经成功地戒了十多次了！”

20 It’s Rather Unusual

A honeymoon couple checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D. C.

That night, as the husband was about to turn off the light, his bride asked,“Do you think this room is bugged？ ”

“That was a long time ago, sweetheart.”he reassured her.

“But what if there’s a microphone somewhere？ I’d be so embarrassed. ”

So the groom searched under the tables and behind the pictures. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enough, there was a funny‐looking gizmo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed.

The next morning the hotel manager asked the newly‐weds, “How was your room？ How was the service？ How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel？ ”

“Why are you asking me all of these questions？ ”the groom says.

“It’s rather unusual. ”the manager answered,“Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them. ”

不寻常

一对度蜜月的新人住进了华盛顿特区水门旅馆。

当天夜里，丈夫关灯时，新娘问：“你认为这个房间会被窃听吗？”

“那是很久以前的事儿了，亲爱的。”他安慰新娘说。

“但如果某个地方有话筒怎么办？我会很难为情的。”

新郎检查了桌子下面和画像背后，然后又翻过地毯，发现地板上有个样子奇特的螺母，就拧下螺母，拆掉零件，然后便钻进了被窝。

第二天早上，旅馆经理问这对新婚夫妇：“你们的房间还好吗？我们的服务怎么样？你们在水门旅馆住得怎么样？”

新郎反问道：“你为什么要问我这些问题？”

“太不寻常了，”旅馆经理回答说，“昨晚你们这个房间下层的枝形吊灯掉到了你们下面那个房间的夫妇身上。”

21 It’s Unnecessary to See God with a Present

There was once a stingy and narrow‐minded man, who was ready to get angry about trifles.

One day he took a matter to heart and hit upon the idea of taking his own life. That day, to find a chance of suicide, he went out with his wife on the excuse of driving away his cares.

When they came to a river, he took off his clothes when his wife took no notice. Then he jumped into the river.

All of a sudden, he raised his head out of the water, shouting to his wife,“Farewell, my dear! Don’t forget to take my clothes home.” On seeing this, the passengers on the bank all asked to rescue the man from danger.

But his wife said in no hurry,“You needn’t save him. I can get him out of the water by himseif. ”With this words, she took her husband’s wallet and threw it into the river.

The husband, who was taking his own life, caught hold of the wallet all at once.

And then, he quickly swam to the bank. He rushed to his wife in an angry way, shouting,“Are you crazy？ It’s unnecessary to see God with a present! ”

见上帝没必要带礼物

有一个人很吝啬并且思想狭隘，他经常为一些琐事发火。

一天，他突然犯了心脏病，于是他起了轻生的念头。那天，他为了寻找一个自杀的机会，就借口出去散散心，与妻子一起外出。

当他们来到一条河边时，他趁妻子不注意，脱下衣服，然后跳入河中。

他立刻又从水中探出头冲他妻子喊：“别了！亲爱的！别忘了把我的衣服带回家。”岸上的游客看到这一幕，都去找人救他。

但他妻子急忙制止说：“你们不用救他，我能让他自己上岸。”正说着，她从丈夫的衣服里拿出钱包，扔进了河里。

那个正在自杀的男人立刻抓住了他的钱包，然后迅速向岸边游来。他非常气愤地冲到妻子面前，大吼道：“你疯了吗？去见上帝不用带礼物的。”

22 Women

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don’t, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don’t, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing

If you don’t, you are not understanding

If you make romance, you are an“experenced man”

If you don’t, you are half a man

lf you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring

If you don’t, she accuses you of double crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don’t, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it’s bad

If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her

If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her

It you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait

If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel

If she is visited by another, “Oh it’s natural, we are girls”

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her to many, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it’s just one of the man’s tactics

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

Oh God! You created those creature called“WOMAN”

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable

“O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN”

女人

亲吻不是君子

不吻不是汉子

夸赞视作谎言

不夸视作傻蛋

依她就会耍性

不依不解风情

浪漫不是处子

呆板不是男子

常见变得乏味

少见被指虚伪

打扮就是花心

邋遢就是无心

吃醋不够大方

不吃怀疑不爱

求欢意味失礼

老实没有爱意

迟到抱怨难等

等待女孩应该

访友被指乱混

女孩聚会自然

少吻责怪冷漠

多吻大叫色狼

忽视过街缺德

照顾只是计策

盯人被指放浪

瞧她就是欣赏

说话时应倾听

倾听时应说话

哦上帝！你造出了“女人”

如此简单又如此复杂

如此弱小又如此强大

如此费解又如此心仪

“哦主啊，我该怎么办？阿门”

23 The perfect husband

There are sevenral men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a mobile telephone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues.

“Hello？”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club？”

“Yes.”

“Great！I am at the mall two blooks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat...it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I bay it？”

“What’s the price？”

“Only $2500.”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...”

“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2015 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...”

“What price did he quote you？”

“Only $60 000...”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the potions.”

“Great！Before we hang up, something else...”

“What？”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember？ The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...”

“How much are they asking？”

“Only $500 000...a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...”

“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420 000. OK？”

“OK, sweetie...Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye...I do too... ”

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present,“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to？”

完美丈夫

几个男人在一家私人俱乐部健身锻炼之后，正在更衣室里换衣服。突然，长凳上的一部移动电话响了起来。一个人接起电话，就产生了下面的一系列对话：

“你好？”

“亲爱的，是我。你还在俱乐部吗？”

“是的。”

“太好啦！我就在离你两个街区的商场呢。我看中了一件特别漂亮的貂皮大衣……它看起来华丽至极，我可以买下来吗？”

“多少钱啊？”

“只要2 500美元。”

“好吧，既然你那么喜欢就买吧。”

“嗯，我还在梅赛德斯。奔驰代理店里看见了2015年的新款。我看中了一个特别喜欢的车型。我跟售货员聊了一会儿，他给了我一个很公道的价格……再说，去年的宝马车我们也该换换了。”

“那他告诉你多少钱啊？”

“只要6万美元……”

“好吧，不过鉴于那么高的价格，我希望它的功能很齐全了。”

“太好啦！不过咱俩挂电话之前，还有点儿事儿……”

“什么事儿啊？”

“这个听起来可能有点儿多，不过我已经查过你的账户了……我今早在房产代理处看到我们去年看中的那套房子正在拍卖！你还记得吧？就是那栋在滨海地区的，有游泳池，英式花园，停车场的那个……”

“他们要价多少啊？”

“只要50万美元……多好的价钱啊，我看咱们银行里的钱也很充裕呢。”

“好吧，那就买了吧，不过一定要还价到42万美元，怎么样？”

“嗯，亲爱的……谢谢你！待会见啦！我爱你！”

“拜拜，我也是……”

那个男人挂了电话，合上手机，对所有在场的人说：“有谁知道这个手机是谁的吗？”

24 I Am Not Able to Take Care of Three Wives

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying？”

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water,and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe？”the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.“Is this your axe？”the lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied,“No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

“Is this your axe？”the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied,“Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying？”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Martha.

“Is this your wife？”the Lord asked.

“Yes.”cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious,“You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied,“Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said‘no’to Martha, you would have come up with Polly. Then if I said‘no’to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said‘yes,’you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of three wives, so that’s why I said yes to Martha.”

三个老婆

一天，一位樵夫在岸边砍柴，斧头掉到水里了，他大哭了起来。这时候上帝出现了，问他：“你为什么哭啊？”

樵夫说他的斧头掉水里了，可他要靠斧头维持生计。

上帝潜到水里，拿着一把金斧头露出水面。

“这是你的吗？”上帝问道。

樵夫回答说：“不是。”

上帝又潜到水里，拿出一把银斧头：“这是你的吗？”上帝问道。

樵夫又回答说：“不是。”

上帝又潜到水底，拿出一把铁斧头。

“这是你的吗？”上帝问道。

樵夫回答道：“是的。”

上帝对樵夫的诚实感到很满意，于是把三把斧头都给了他，樵夫高兴地回家了。

过了一段时间，樵夫和妻子在河边散步，他的妻子一下掉进了河里。

正在他大哭的时候，上帝又出现了，问他：“你为什么哭啊？”

“啊，上帝，我老婆掉进水里了！”

上帝潜到水底，带出了玛莎。

“这是你的妻子吗？”上帝问道。

“是的。”樵夫大叫道。

上帝很生气：“你撒谎，这不是事实。”

樵夫回答道：“哦，宽恕我吧上帝，这是个误会。如果我说不是，你又会带出波莉；如果我再说不是，你才会捞出我的妻子；如果那时我再说是，你会把三个都给我。我的上帝，我是个穷人，养不起三个老婆，所以我才承认玛莎是我老婆。”

25 Husbands Said

1. My wife and I are both happy for twenty something years, then we met.

2. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

3. I haven’t spoken to my wife for months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

4. I married Miss “Right”.I just didn’t know her first name was “always”.

5. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.It only seems longer.

6. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

7. Losing a wife can be hard.In my case, it was nearly impossible.

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

9. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the“y”becomes silent.

10. A husband said to his wife,“No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother‐in‐law better than mine.”

11. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.

12. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.

13. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

14. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

15. Any married man should forget his mistakes—there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

16. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

17. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

18. To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup—Whenever you’re wrong, admit it.

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

19. My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

20. When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self‐defense.

21. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking: the husband gives and the wife takes.

22. Marriage is not just having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

23. It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married.

24. A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

丈夫如是说

1. 我和我妻子都各自幸福地生活了二十几年，然后我们相遇了。

2. 好妻子总是会原谅丈夫，当她自己做错事的时候。

3. 我已经好几个月没和妻子说话了，我可不想打扰她。

4. 我娶到了“正确的”女人，只是不知道她的姓是“总是”。

5. 说已婚男人比单身汉活得更久是不对的，其实只是看起来更久。

6. 已婚男人比单身汉长寿，不过他们更愿意早死。

7. 失去老婆会很难，但对我来说，这根本不可能。

8. 男女平等是不可能的，除非她们能秃着头在大街上走还觉得自己很好看。

9. 结婚前，男人为他所爱的女人痴迷。结婚后，就只剩为她赚钱了。

10. 丈夫对妻子说：“不，我并不是讨厌你的亲戚，只是比起我的丈母娘来，我更喜欢你的婆婆。”

11. 没结婚的男人是不完整的，结婚后他就完整（完蛋）了。

12. 结婚之前我不知道什么是真正的幸福，而等我知道的时候后，一切都已经太晚了。

13. 一个男人主动为妻子打开车门，可以肯定：要么车是新的，要么妻子是新的。

14. 婚姻就是你的妻子逐渐发现自己想要什么样的男人的过程。

15. 所有已婚男人都应该忘掉自己的错误——两个人都记着同样的事其实没什么意义。

16. 男人要想维持幸福婚姻就应该学会把嘴巴闭上，把钱包打开。

17. 如果别的男人偷走了你老婆，最好的报复方式就是让他把她留着。

18. 想让你的婚姻充满爱，就要——你犯错的时候，承认错误。你没错的时候，闭上嘴巴。

19. 我的想法正好与妻子一样，她说我很幸运。

20. 结婚前一个男人握住女人的手是因为爱情，结婚之后就是出于自卫了。

21. 幸福的婚姻就是给予和索取：给予的是丈夫，索取的是妻子。

22. 结婚并不仅仅是有了妻子，还有随之而来的无尽的烦恼。

23. 每个人生来都是平等自由的，但是他们中的一些人结婚了。

24. 绅士就是从来不当着女士的面骂自己妻子的人。

26 What If...

“Dear, ”said the wife,“what would you do if I died？ ”

“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset. ”said the husband,“Why do you ask such a question？ ”

“Would you remarry？ ”persevered the wife.

“No, of course not, dear. ”said the husband.

“Don’t you like being married？ ”said the wife.

“Of course I do, dear. ”he said.

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry？ ”

“Alright. ”said the husband,“I’d remarry. ”

“You would？ ”said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

“Yes. ”said the husband.

“Would you sleep with her in our bed？ ”said the wife after a long pause.

“Well yes, I suppose I would. ”replied the husband.

“I see. ”said the wife indignantly,“And would you let her wear my old clothes？”

“I suppose, if she wanted to. ”

“Really. ”said the wife icily,“And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her？ ”

“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do. ”

“Is that so？ ”said the wife, leaping to her feet.“And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too. ”

“Of course not, dear. ”said the husband, “She’s left‐handed.”

要是……

“亲爱的，”妻子说，“要是我死了，你怎么办？”

“怎么啦，亲爱的，我会很伤心。”丈夫说，“你干吗问这样的问题？”

“你会再婚吗？”做妻子的毫不放松。

“不会，当然不会，亲爱的。”丈夫说。

“你不喜欢结婚？”妻子说。

“当然喜欢，亲爱的。”他说。

“那么你为什么不再婚？”

“好吧，”丈夫说，“我再婚就是了。”

“你会？”妻子说，看来有点受伤的样子。

“是的。”丈夫说。

“你会和她睡在这张床上吗？”妻子沉默了好一会儿问道。

“唔，是的吧，我想会的。”丈夫回答。

“明白了。”妻子恼怒地说，“你会让她穿我的衣服吗？”

“会吧，如果她想穿的话。”丈夫说。

“是吗？”妻子冷冰冰地说，“你会把我的照片换成她的吗？”

“会的，我想那样做是对的。”

“是吗？”妻子跳起来，“那你也会让她用我的高尔夫球杆吧！”

“当然不会，亲爱的，”丈夫说，“她是个左撇子。”