Two Gold Bricks

两个骗子

The heavy portiers were rudely thrust aside and a young man of twenty—two or thereabout, flung himself into the apartment to the evident astonishment of its inmate, who paused long enough in the act of lighting a cigarette to burn his fingers with the paper—lighter. "Ye gods! preserve us from the faddist! " he cried, dramatically elevating his arms heavenward as though invoking the protection of his divine friends, and then collapsing into the comfortable embrace of the nearest easy—chair.

厚重的门帘被粗鲁地推到了一边，一个二十二岁左右的年轻人冲了进来，显然把这屋子里住的人吓了一跳；那人原本正在点烟，却愣在了那里很长时间，直到点烟纸烧到了他的手指头。 “众神啊！保护我们远离那赶时髦的人吧！” 青年大喊道，戏剧性地将双臂高举向天，仿佛在祈求他的众神朋友庇护一般，接着就瘫倒在了离他最近的安乐椅那舒适的怀抱里。

His audience, having recovered his equanimity at the expense of a muffed curse upon all stage—struck friends, shoved the smoking stand at him. For a space they yielded to the soothing caress of the weed, then proceeded to an elucidation.

他的观众，在将所有沉迷于戏剧表演的朋友都胡乱咒骂了一通之后，终于恢复了平静，把一个烟架朝他推了过去。一时间，他们沉浸在了烟草令人舒缓的抚慰之中，然后开始细细道来。

"Well, Ollie, old man, out with it. What's the rub? " interrogated he of the burned fingers. "Has your tailor taken to dunning on a wheel? Have your auburn lovelocks come into demand? or are they trying to enlist your sympathies in that artistic crusade among the unaesthetical denizens of Mott and Mulberry streets. "

“好吧，奥利，老家伙，快说吧。到底是什么破事儿？” 烧到手指的那个人质问道， “是你的裁缝开始坐着汽车过来向你催债了？还是你那赤褐色的前额鬈发开始走俏了？或者是他们想要设法拉拢你支持莫特大街和马尔伯里大街那些毫无审美能力的居民所开展的艺术圣战？”

"No. It's not so bad as that; but what do you think they've been up to? "

“没有，没你说得那么严重；不过你觉得他们在忙些什么？”

"What? which? who? the aesthetics or the nonaesthetics? "

“什么事？哪一派？谁啊？你是说美学派还是非美学派？”

"I mean the crowd. "

“我说的是那伙人。”

"Oh, Archie and his friends. What have they been doing? Nothing serious I hope; and yet, they always were a serious crowd. "

“哦，你是说阿奇和他的朋友们啊。他们在做什么？我希望不是什么大事；不过，他们一直都是一帮严肃的家伙。”

"It's not serious. Oh, no; and still it concerns a very serious subject. Ha! ha! ha! you'd never guess! He! he! he! you 'd—Ho! ho! ho! "

“不是什么大事。喔，不；但它确实关系到一个非常严肃的问题。哈！哈！哈！你可猜不到！嘻！嘻！嘻！你——呵！呵！呵！”

"Confound you and your paradoxes! Not serious—concerns a serious subject; a serious crowd, a fool's laughter—fine material for an epigram. By Jove, if I don't think it up. "

“你说得前言不搭后语，自相矛盾！不是什么大问题，却关系到一个严肃的问题；一群严肃的家伙，一个傻瓜的大笑——真是警句格言的绝佳素材。天啊，我怎么就没有想出来呢！”

"Mercy, Oh, Damon, I pray you. A truce to your epigrams. I plead an arrest of judgment till I explain. "

“天哪，哦，戴蒙，我求你了。别再提你的格言了。我求你听我解释完，你再做评判也不迟。”

"Proceed, I may be lenient. "

“接着说吧，我会仁慈些的。”

"You know I intended going down to Cape Weola for canvas—back and had made arrangements to start today. I packed up, expressed my traps, and said goodby all around, only to find the hunting—party had fallen through. Finding my pleasure nipped in the bud and because I had nothing to do, I became virtuous and made a long—delayed call upon that long—suffering maiden aunt of mine, in Brooklyn. Nice old girl! I tried not to be bored, and made the acquaintance of her two Persian cats, to say nothing of an angular female, who called and spent the afternoon in discussing equal suffrage and all that rot. What with that and the tea, I returned with a very bad headache and a very good intention of going early to bed.

“你知道，我打算下到韦奥拉角去捕帆布背潜鸭，都已经安排妥当了，准备今天就出发。我收拾好行李，把行李快递了出去，还和周围的人告了别，结果却发现一起打猎的同伴失约了。我的兴致被扼杀在了摇篮里，再加上我没什么事干，于是我就孝心大发，去了布鲁克林看望我迟迟未去看望的姨妈。姨妈从未嫁人，长期过着凄苦的生活。她是个和善的老太婆。我努力让自己不觉得无聊，认识了姨妈的两只波斯猫，更别提那个难相处的女人了，她下午就来了，一下午都在谈什么平等选举权之类的蠢话。因为那个女人以及那杯茶，我一回来就觉得头痛欲裂，所以打算早早上床睡觉。”

"However, I thought I would drop in and see Archie—nice brother, archie—and entice him into making a call upon the long—suffering maiden aunt aforesaid. Archie was out, and tired of waiting I made myself comfortable in his boudoir—it's a real boudoir, you know—and fell asleep. I've no idea how long I was there, but suddenly I was awakened by the popping of corks and by conversation in his studio. 'Archie and a lot of his cronies, ' I thought. 'Evidently they don't know I' m here. "

“但是，我又觉得应该顺便去拜访一下阿奇——我的好兄弟，阿奇——劝他去看望一下前面提到的那位一直忍受着苦难的姨妈。可是阿奇不在家，后来我等得烦了，就在他的闺房里休息了一会儿——这闺房还真是名副其实，你知道的——然后我就睡着了。不知道在那里睡了多久，我突然被砰的一声拔瓶塞声音以及他工作室里的说话声吵醒啦。 ‘肯定是阿奇和他的那帮密友。’ 我想， ‘显然，他们并不知道我在这里。”

"They were as serious as usual. That melancholy rascal! Le Blanche, whose 'Bridge of Sighs, ' and 'The Requital' you'll remember at the exhibition, was there, as was also Schomberg, his twin brother of personified misery. They were discussing the death of Willis' 89—used to chum with Archie and that crowd. The conversation turned to monuments, headstones, and epitaphs, and became quite interesting, I can assure you.

“他们像平常一样严肃。那个忧郁的混蛋。勒·布朗什也在那儿，你一定还记得他在展览会上吟诵的《叹息之桥》和《报答》。朔姆贝格，他的双胞胎哥哥也在，他简直就是痛苦的代言人。他们正在讨论八十九岁过世的威利斯——他生前曾和阿奇那伙人很要好。话题转到了纪念物、墓碑和墓志铭上，说得相当妙趣横生，这点我敢向你保证。”

"That idiot, Fessler, opened the ball by deploring the conventional inconsistency with which our moderns remember the dead by the inscriptions they place on their headstones; and Schomberg quoted Shakespeare, revised; 'The good that men do lives' —etc. while Le Blanche favored them with the following from Byron, which I happened to know:

费舍尔那个傻瓜起了个头，谴责我们这些现代人刻在墓碑上用以纪念逝者的碑文和逝者通常都不相符；朔姆贝格则引用了莎士比亚的一句话，并略加改动， ‘善行长存’ 等；而勒·布朗什也用拜伦下面的这首诗来支持他们的观点，正好我也知道这诗：

'When some proud son of man returns to earth, Unknown to glory but upheld by birth, The Sculptor's art exhausts the pomp of woe, And storied urns record who sests below; When all is done, upon the tomb is seen, Not what he was, but what he should have been.

‘当人们引以为豪的子民归于尘土，荣耀不再，但又获新生，雕塑家淋漓尽致地表现着悲痛，传说中的骨灰缸记录着之下的逝者；可当一切完结，墓塚建好之时，我们已不知道他曾是谁，只知道他应该成为谁。

"Finally, that band of morbid—minded pessimists took up funeral sermons and unmercifully berated our pious divines for their hypocrisy in the perpetration of the same. They decided that the custom was all wrong and a blot upon our cultured civilization. In the first place, they decided it was impossible to obtain anything but flattery when a man was paid to preach the sermon; in the second place, that it should be delivered by one who was conversant with the whole life of the deceased; and in the third place that, if he were an enemy he could not be induced to officiate, if a friend he would be certain to flatter. They at last reached the conclusion that all funeral sermons were snares and deceits, and since the only one who could properly officiate and tell the brutal, naked truth, would be the person being buried, it were better to abolish the wicked and immoral custom.

“最后，那帮病态的悲观主义者说起了葬礼演说，毫不留情地痛斥我们虔诚的牧师，谴责他们虚伪地犯下了同样的罪行。他们全盘否定了这种习俗，认为它是我们精心养成的文明之上的一个污点。首先，他们认为花钱雇来的人为葬礼致辞，说得只有阿谀奉承之词，人们是不可能听到其他的；其次，发表致辞者应该是深谙逝者一生过往的人；再次，如果是逝者的敌人，当然不能请其来行使这项职务，如果是朋友的话，他又难免会恭维称颂。他们最终得出了这样的结论，那就是所有的葬礼演说都是陷阱与欺骗；既然唯一能够胜任这个职务，揭露赤裸裸的无情现实的只有埋在地下的这个人，那么最好还是废除这个邪恶而又有悖道德的习俗。”

"Here the subject would have been dropped but for that brother of mine, who thought it would be 'so original, you know, for a man to make his own funeral oration. ' Then he was ably supplemented by Moore, who enthusiastically cried out 'Why not? "

“要不是我的那位兄弟，这个话题本该就此打住，可他认为 ‘一个人来为自己的葬礼致辞，你知道，多么富有创意。’ 接着，穆尔又画龙点睛，满腔热情地喊道： ‘为什么不呢?”

"It dawned upon them all—why not—the phonograph. Then and there they organized into a 'Voice from the Beyond, ' or 'Every Man His Own Minister, ' society. They gave it some Greek name and this is my free rendition of it. They elected their officers, swore ironclad oaths to tell all the mean little things and mean big things they had done during their lifetime, and promised to criticize unsparingly each other's faults and vices. After a voluntary assessment had been levied to procure a phonograph and the necessary paraphernalia they adjourned. They expect to have all their sermons in by this day week, and Archie is to take charge of them. He is to put them in that little safe you'll remember stands in a corner of his studio.

“他们所有人一时顿悟——为什么不呢——留声机。他们当场就组建了一个叫做 ‘来自远方的声音’ 或者 ‘每个人都是自己的牧师’ 的社团。其实他们是用希腊语给它起的名字，这是我随便翻译过来的。他们还推选了一些干事，并发毒誓会和盘托出他们毕生所做的所有不愿告人的大事小事，还保证会不留情面地批评彼此所犯下的错误和恶行。在对如何弄到留声机以及所需设备进行了一番随意的估计之后，他们就休会了。他们期望能在下星期的今天收到所有的葬礼演说辞，并任命阿奇统一保管。阿奇会把它们放到那个小保险箱中，你应该还记得它就放在工作室的一个角落里。”

"While the crowd was departing I slipped Out by another door, and here I am. "

“当那伙人离开的时候，我从另一个门溜了出去，然后就回来了。”

"Like the girl that you are, come to tell me the secret while yet warm. But, Ollie, it seems to me as though there is more in it than you have told. I have a scheme. "

“真是个乖孩子，发现了秘密就第一时间过来告诉我。但是，奥利，我觉得你说的好像还不全。我有个计划。”

"A scheme? "

“计划？”

"Yes, we will give an entertainment in your parlors. You know we have been running too big a margin, and I. for one, am rather short. This quarter's was all gone before I received it, and what I shall do till next quarter is an enigma. You are in just as bad a fix, too, so we'll give an entertainment. "

“是的，咱们要在你家客厅款待宾朋。你知道，咱俩已经严重入不敷出，我更是囊中羞涩。这个季度都过去了，我还是一无所获；下个季度怎么办，我也一头雾水。你的处境也很窘迫。所以，我们要大摆筵席。”

"An entertainment? "

“大摆筵席？”

"Yes, and clear a cool ten hundred apiece. "

“是的，每个人捞上一千。”

"Whew! Ten hundred! Why I could square up and go on swimmingly! But, Damon, how are you going to do it? "

“噢！一千！这样我就能无债一身轻，惬意地过日子了！可是，戴蒙，你打算怎么做啊？”

"Give an entertainment. "

“大摆筵席啊。”

"Now don't talk in riddles. Come, explain. "

“嗨，别卖关子了。快点，给我讲讲。”

And Damon explained while Ollie went into ecstasies of delight. Late that night, Ollie departed, and during the next ten days many were the consultations he held with Damon regarding the scheme.

于是戴蒙开始解释，奥利听得欣喜若狂。那晚，奥利到了深夜方才离开。随后的十天里，他和戴蒙商讨了很多关于计划的事情。

Ten nights later, Ollie's parlors are all ablaze and perhaps threescore and ten male guests are assembled, for this is the night of the entertainment. Damon and Ollie are all bustling and important, and why not? Is not Professor Armstrong engaged this evening at a hundred dollars? Has not one of Edison's assistants come all the way from New Jersey with expenses paid and another hundred? And is there not the phonograph specialist? to say nothing of Crooke's tubes, electrical apparatus, kinetoscopes, and phonographs? Indeed, is it not to be a veritable treat to those lovers of popular science that have received invitations?

十天之后，奥利的客厅灯火闪耀，大概有七十位男性宾客相聚于此，因为当晚是大宴宾朋之夜。戴蒙和奥利一直忙着张罗，两个人都举足轻重，为什么不呢？阿姆斯特朗教授不是花了一百美元参加晚宴吗？爱迪生的一个助手不是也花钱大老远地从新泽西赶来了吗？他身上还带了一百美元呢。留声机专家不也来了吗？更不用说那些克鲁克电子管专家、电气设备专家、活动电影放映机专家，以及留声机的专家了？确实，对于收到邀请的大众科学爱好者来说，这不就是名副其实的款待吗？

By nine, Ollie introduces Professor Armstrong, who took up Roentgen's discovery and applied it in many curious and instructive experiments. The kinetoscope man then engrossed their attention with thrilling scenes of life, and was followed by Edison's assistant, who presented illustrated demonstrations of several of the wizard's "marvelous inventions.

九点的时候，奥利给大家介绍了阿姆斯特朗教授——他继续了伦琴射线的研究，并将其应用在了很多新奇而又富有启发性的实验当中。然后，活动电影放映机的发明者用生活中的惊险场景吸引了他们所有人的注意。随后爱迪生的助手上场，他用图片展示了爱迪生这位 “魔术师” 的几件绝妙发明。

In the meanwhile Damon drew Ollie aside and asked: "Is Archie's crowd all here? "

此时，戴蒙把奥利拉到一边，问道： “阿奇那帮人都到了吗？”

"Yes, all except Staunton. He has received the telegram and by this time is speeding across Connecticut. "

“是的，只有斯汤顿还没来。不过他收到了电报，此刻应该正穿越康涅狄格州，火速往这里赶呢。”

"Good! But I 'm sorry we had to get rid of him. Won't he be angry when he finds it out? "

“好！不过，很遗憾咱们不能再等他了。他知道了不会不高兴吧？”

"Won't he though. "

“不会的。”

To conclude the very enjoyable evening in experimental science, the phonograph specialist was introduced. After a few introductory remarks, in which, incidentally, the possibility of the voice of the dead coming back, was mentioned, he proceeded to arrange his apparatus. Taking one from a number of cylinders and inserting it in the phonograph, he applied the electric current and the delicate machinery was in motion.

这个愉快的实验科学之夜，以留声机专家的出场为压轴节目。几句开场白之后——顺便提一下，开场白中提到了逝者声音重现的可能性——他开始布置设备。他从一堆唱片中拿出了一张并将其插入留声机里；通上电后，这个精巧的机器就运转了起来。

A voice—Staunton's voice—in solemn tones, was heard, preaching a funeral sermon. The members of the "Voice from the Beyond" society looked inquiringly at each other, then in turn, perplexed, indignant, and amused. Staunton's rich, deep voice ground out of the machine, sternly moralizing in a manner demoralizing to the audience. How he criticized his own vices and trivialities! He had been weighed by himself in the balance and found wanting. Then he turned on his friends and upbraided them unsparingly for their follies. It was rich! Titters and suppressed giggles turned into continued roars of laughter, and when the phonograph ceased, after a bestowal of fatherly advice and solemn benedictions all round and a requiescat in pace, the audience went fairly wild.

人们听见了一个声音——斯汤顿的声音——正以庄严肃穆的语调，念着一套葬礼致辞。 “来自远方的声音” 协会的成员们诧异地看着彼此，先是困惑，然后是气愤，可随即又被逗笑了。斯汤顿浑厚而低沉的嗓音从留声机里传了出来，严肃地说教多多少少听起来让听众有些泄气。他对自己的缺点和平凡琐碎的往事批评得多么严厉啊！他已被自己放在天平上称量过，结果发现自己不合格。然后，他将话题转向了自己的朋友们，毫不留情地训斥了他们的愚蠢行为。说得还真多！起初的窃笑和压抑着的笑声变成了持续不断的阵阵狂笑。在周围人给予慈父般的忠告和庄严的祝福，并说完愿灵安息之后，留声机停了下来，群情开始激昂。

The specialist was inserting another cylinder and the members of the "Voice from the Beyond" society were doing some hard thinking. There were hasty reviews of sermons preached recently into phonographic receivers, and many imparted secrets—secrets to be made known only after death—were remembered. They became alarmed. They knew not whose turn was next and they were all convinced that it was a scurvy trick.

这位专家正要将另外一张盘插入留声机时， “来自远方的声音” 协会的成员们陷入了沉思。他们曾草草地检查过最近录入留声机接收器的葬礼演说，里面透露的很多秘密——那些只有在生者死后方可公开的秘密——他们还记得。他们开始胆战心惊。他们不知道下一个会轮到谁，所有人都觉得这是一个卑鄙的诡计。

Again the phonograph was started; but when Archie's voice was heard, soaring in the eloquent lights of his funeral oration, the members of the "Voice from the Beyond" society sprang to the little platform, stopped the machinery, and took possession of the cylinders. Ollie expostulated; Damon feigned indignation. Finally, amid much confusion and many questions, Damon dismissed the audience, which soon departed, with the exception of the "Voice from the Beyond" society, which remained to talk it over and to take summary vengeance.

留声机再次响起，阿奇的声音传了出来，他在自己的葬礼上慷慨致辞，声音激昂高亢；这时 “来自远方的声音” 协会的成员们突然涌上小讲台，拿走了所有的唱片。奥利劝诫，戴蒙则假装生气。最后，在一片困惑和诸多质疑之中，戴蒙宣布晚会结束，观众很快便纷纷离场。只有 “来自远方的声音” 协会的成员们留了下来，准备彻底地讨论一下这件事，并给予即时的回击。

Ollie was cool, determined, dramatic—he would have made a model villain. He demanded two hundred and fifty dollars for the return of each of the cylinders. They refused. Why should they pay? Were they not in possession of the cylinders? Then Ollie talked vaguely of duplicate cylinders, which might find their way into the nickle—in—the—slot [sic] machines; of funeral orations going abroad from every street and public place in New York; of the possibility of disposing of these same duplicates among friends of the late deceased; and ominously hinted of many things decidedly worse.

奥利既镇静又坚定，令人印象深刻——他俨然一个典型的反派角色。他要求他们为每张唱片付二百五十美金，他就会将唱片奉还。他们拒绝了。他们为什么要付钱？这些唱片本来不就是他们的吗？随后，奥利含糊地谈到复制的唱片说不定可以放在自动售货机里贩卖；谈到要令葬礼演说从纽约的大街小巷以及公共场所走向世界；谈到要把同样的复制唱片赠给已故人士的朋友们；甚至还暗示可以用此做出更多更卑劣的事。

"I say, Damon, we've squared up the Doldrums' racket, with interest, haven't we? "

“我说，戴蒙，咱们已经还清了萧条时期的社交花费，连本带利，是不是？”

"Didn't we though. By the way, Ollie, how much is ten times two hundred and fifty, minus five hundred, divided by two? "

“怎么可能还没还清。另外，奥利，十乘以二百五十，再减去五百，除以二是多少？”

"Ten hundred! By Jove! You're a brick, Damon, in planning. "

“一千！天啊！戴蒙，你真是个策划天才。”

"So are you, Ollie, in execution. "

“你不也一样，奥利，执行得也不赖。”

"Then we're both bricks, good gold bricks, worth ten hundred apiece. "

“那么咱俩都是天才了，出色的骗子，每人身价都是一千美元。”